We ain’t doing this from the gram

It’s been a while.

I think I always start that way but whatever. I have nothing to say, I mean nothing specific. Talking about myself is not as exciting and I really have nothing relevant to say but that I am working on myself.

I can account that I am going to the gym four days a week, and yes I know a person with my body weight should be going all five days but sometimes a person schedule doesn’t always allows them to do the thing they wish they could do. Which is my situation with work. I had wanted to feel this need to be at the gym and push myself and see results and feel strong. I haven’t seen like new muscles popping out of nowhere or like body definition but my face is slimmer, pants feel better and I don’t have a gut. Yes, you heard me I don’t have a gut. Not anymore.

I don’t have to suck in to put on pants and the ones, the new leggings I bought recently are starting to feel a little loose around the waist. Maybe is the elastic playing tricks on me, maybe the dryer loosened up the fibers and now is not as tight as before. I just don’t want to feel like I’m giving myself too much credit right now becuase I have done this before.  I have paid a person to train me and be with me while I work out, I have looked through IG acconts and found these women that inspire me to continue because once upon of time they were like me, struggling to be healthy.

I’m eating better. I have been able to suppress the need of sweets and when I lay down in bed and start dreaming about food and friend stuff I can control myself, drink a bit of water and turn my focus on something else. Even my body agress that oily food is bad, too much sugar and I feel like I’m going to die.

I’m not theere yet but I will be

That’s the goal.

Be a little healther a little defined, a smaller chest size and more body confidence.


“Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Mind. Body. Spirit.”

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I could eat it, but I wont.

Yeah, it’s been a while.

Today I felt disgusted at my own reflection at the gym, not that I hate who I am but who I have let myself become. I should start by saying that I’m the heaviest I been in all my life. I was lucky to have a normal weight all through high school and college, not skinny but just normal and healthy. I have to add that I never took care of my self or watched what I ate because I believed that gaining weight would never happen to me and then years later I feel uncomfortable when my body rolls, thick arms, and eyes are exposed even more when I see girls that are killing themselves doing lunges and throwing dumbells, complicated lifts and cardio like their ass was on fire.

I guess in a way my body is showing me what happens when I don’t take care of it.

I know what I’m capable of and that if I had wanted to I’d be what I wanted to be, fit. I don’t care about being like a model but a toned and healthy person. I remember I used to come up with the most ridiculous things whenever someone suggested a diet or dieting together. Is incredible the amount of shit the mind is capable to come up within a matter of seconds.

The other day I had a whole conversation with myself while standing in line to buy a salad right next door to a Burger King, which isn’t even that great. I kept saying in my head that if the line advanced I would treat myself French fries. That’s my weakness or one of the many, like baked sweets, chocolate or anything that I find yummy. even now I am debating whether I should or not eat this chocolate coin someone gave me at work that I had forgotten about inside my purse and found today.

If I keep it on my nightstand it will be something like a test; I could eat it but if I do the whole purpose of me losing weight depends on my will to be strong and overpower the need of chocolate, that I don’t really want but I need to have.

My mouth waters just thinking about it but also the reasonable part of my brain screams about the moment after is all gone, there will be regret and also the chocolate won’t be as I great as I think it is and then is me feeling sad and fat and depress because of my lack of self-control.

I mean I could eat it, at any moment of the day but then my journey would be over before it even started, I’m not even giving me a chance to prove that I can, sabotaging the dream, the wish, the vision I have in my head. So yeah, this piece of sugar and cocoa will hunt me every day until I’m unable to withstand it but as long as I’m able to stop myself is a battle won, a point in my favor. My own little personal challenge.

#nochocolatechallenge

 

glucose is bad for me

I been meaning to write for few days now but I am unable since I have acrylics on my nails and I find it awkward and dificult. They are far more longer than I’m used to, even with the tip of my fingers is a slow process and it bothers me.

I could do nail clippers on them but then I’m not sure how it will affect them or if i’d do a good job. pretty sure that i’d mess them up. i already gave up on trying to have good grammar.

I just want to be able to type and vent without have my nails in the way, and they do look pretty. i love them. but i also love it when i’m able to type to my hearts content. i know that i complain a lot but i guess i made this post just to do that specifically. sure, i had anothe concept in mind but my mind wonders everywhere and i find it hard to just stick to just one single thing. if i could i would talk about anything, everything and anyone. like the boy i find myself saying secrectly that he’s my boyfriend but i told him we weren’t doing labels until we met. yep, is a long distance thin and is a long story.

the fact that we been talking for years and even knew how he looked like makes me want to back and ask myself why didn’t i notice him. he did, right away i think but never told me a thing. i guess i was intested in someone else and we were basically friendly back then and not actually friends. he initiated the wooing and the hints and i cave in to let it happen and see were it takes us. or me. becuase i have this defense mechanism that makes me pull away from guys when something bigs is happening or bound to happen.

see what I mean about sticking to one thing. I’m unable to.

the thing is we are finally meeting or trying to. for me traveling is easier and I decided to go to him, not staying at his place cause….of reasons i have and have clearly stated several times. this is just to meet and see if the attraction is real. later we will see. for now is just hopes and dreams. i think he likes me more and to me is just habit. he is my type sans the vin diesel voice.

I guess this could be my journal now, uh?

if it is then I should talk about my weight issues and my new gym and healthy living, i swear i am trying to but is not easy when you are used to eat whatever you want. two days ago i almost cave in and had a twinkie. and today it was fried chicken. my advantage to all this is that i don’t do candies just bake stuff and i’m lazy, so it means i won’t drive myself to any store that has cakes, it’s been weeks since i’ve been at the supermarket or any stores. i did cheat today with a slice of cake that was inside the fridge, at the moment when i was gulfing it down like it was the last piece of cake in the world i felt great but afterwards not so much. my cravings are afected by my mestrual cycle a lot and we are on those days when it’s coming so sweets is the main thing on my head.

I also want to mix it with salty stuff but that’s a habit, like balancing the sugar and the sodium inside me. which is bad for me, the sugar, my head tends to want to explode whenener my intake is higher than what i’m used to or allow myself. one lolipo is fine, two; letal. so i try to moderated that and soda or carboanted drinks which have so much sugar in them. i’m also weak and i’m not going to sit here and type the ideal person that goes into a losing weight regimen and say that i haven’t eaten any sweets. i do, there’s this bag of reeses inside the fridge that proves it, the cake i already wrote about, the ice cream cake that also we had in the fridge and the three or four glasses of lemon juice, but those were because i have the flu and i am trying to get rid of it before it makes me weak and stupid.

dates relevant to this post:

  • the last time inside a supermarket may 16
  • last slice of cake today; jun 13
  • when i decided to finally start losing weight; jun 1

Let’s celebrate life

Welcome back! 

Yes, I am in fact welcoming my self back to freedom. And to this and to whoever reads my crap. 

I am weeks away from finishing up my thesis and even thought, even thought, I still have some points that I just got a notification from my professor that I must change or else I might not finish, I al taking a break before tackling that, which I knew that it was coming but I, like the moron I am sent it as it was because for some stupid reason I was hopeful it wasn’t necessary to add something I had done, I mean I have them and yet I did add them to the document I stupidly sent just minutes before the portal closed. 

It is a known fact, to at least the few that do know me that I am a professional procrastinator. And professional means that I am aware of my due date and I meet them but by the will of god, for some reason he still deals with my shit and helps whenever I can’t anymore. Like, right now I should be typing away the pieces that are missing from my investigation but still I am here, watching a youtube video and on the other side is my switch, I keep glancing towards it. I want to play, so bad. 

I tend to forget what I want to rant or ramble or confuse you about.

So let’s begin.

Yes, is ugly but that’s what not using a pen for a long while do to you.

Oh well I already covered the first thing but barely. 

As of right now I have like three documents opened, all three about all the things I was able to come up and then the investigation to back it up and then the graphics and tables and costs. Everything is mostly done is just me that needs to tie everything together and give it sense and then print it and deliver it to my teacher. Sound simple and it is but when ones mind blocks because you cannot find the right word to connect what you are trying to say, well is all downhill but I’m getting there, and I will celebrate like the single grown up I am, cider and porn.

I made a bad decision today. I went out grocery shopping at rush hour but my excuse is that, I didn’t know it was 5 PM. I had been laying down “reading” and then I suddenly decided that I needed to start eating healthy. My reflection these days is not looking good, I have more than a belly, love handles and extra everywhere. I mean I spilling out of my bras. Is disgusting, not about being fat, just that I know I can control myself and that is unhealthy to be gaining weight the way am. I’m  scared that one day I’ll woke up and it’ll be too late.

Theres this new boy. Super cute and so white, I tease him about it. I am not white, I’m black, light skinned. He’s super sweet, at least he is now. I mean you never know with long distance flings, right?

He’s different, I mean, I’m not sure yet. We talk a lot and he’s not like all the other dudes but I think is mostly me that’s not letting, my brain I mean. I’m not allowing me to get excited about it. I mean I do like his face, a lot! He’s too cute! And so nerdy. Which is cool, cause I happen to be a nerd about some things, but he’s extra nerdy. I’m fine with that and hopefully it can go to more that mutual interest and maybe sex, oral sex and vaginal sex, hell the whole coitus thing.

Finally, I’m going to paste a few pictures here. I was adventuring for a few days in New York and took a bunch of pictures. Amaize yourself. None include my face tho.

I think I’ll save the rest to talk about my trip to NY and NJ.

Consensual torture

Females should get an award for all the things we go thought to be pretty, to get pretty.

I think I may have forgotten the pain that comes with waxing, it had been years since the last time someone came so close to my armpit. No one has been this close before, and I’m talking about asian porn close. Don’t ask me just go with it, if you don’t know well good for you or too bad.

First is really uncomfortable because the armpits is the part of the body that only gets touched by the owner of it, never by the other person unless is a child that’s getting a bath and still, after a while the child learns and is over. Is a very tender and private, and with puberty comes body hair and then body odor, which is normal and thanks to showers, bath and deodorant we are able to disguise it with paste or aerosol packed with chemicals that does something and instead of sweat smells like flowers.

Is there some tutorial or Knowhow that tells you what you should do before waxing besides taking a bath and applying minimal deodorant?

I’m pretty sure there is but, at my age, which I am not revealing. I’m old enough for most things, okay, I’m an adult with responsibilities and bills and all that crap. Like I was saying, there are things that I should have knowing before walking in. I have to say before I continued that I Waxed for the first time at home. A horrible experiment I know and the way I did it. Well, it was nothing close to what this lady did.

All that has body hair gets ingrown hair. Even eyelashes and eyebrows do it, because they say fuck you I’m not doing it your way, I don’t want to be outside so they curb inwards and fuck up your life. That’s what a lot of my stupid hair did and since the wax wouldn’t or couldn’t take care of it the only way to go was the use of a nipper. That shit hurts.

Getting all or a bunch of hairs pulled out in cold blood after being smeared with hot-warm wax on a very sensitive part of your body hurts less that one single stubborn hair. And after you are laying there she rubs you this aloe combination thing that for some reason itches like crazy but you say nothing because you’re going to take it like the woman you are but plan to write about it later and vent to strangers online. Also, I was sweating like crazy.

Pain makes me sweat.

And the this idea came to me about hardcore sex. I know, where the mind wonders when you are horizontal getting tortured. I thought of BDSM and do they sweat when you know, they are getting hard core. Man, my hands were almost dripping and it wasn't that bad the people that take part on scenes must shed pounds of liquid all over or maybe that's just me.

I drive myself places

I didn’t hate it at the beginning. It happened two years after I was able to pass through both written and practice exam, so we could say that I had some experience. I had this car in college, a Toyota Camry, one of those big ones and for some reason after taking it to the mechanic it was really fast, like it responded really quick so I used to to driven up to 100 mph, or kph? I’m not sure, is one of the two.

It would be nice if I never had to drive. I really hate it and something that I learned how to do because is a necessity and you really need to have four wheels to go somewhere or Über will eat up your paycheck.

I didn’t hate it at the beginning. It happened two years after I was able to pass through both written and practice exam, so we could say that I had some experience. I had this car in college, a Toyota Camry, one of those big ones and for some reason after taking it to the mechanic it was really fast, like it responded really quick so I used to to driven up to 100 mph, or kph? I’m not sure, is one of the two.

The cause of all my troubles happened at 1:00 AM. I was waiting for the green line on an intersection and all of the sudden I crashed against this truck.

No, it wasn’t my fault!

The dude went on red, and got a big dent on his side. And also escaped the scene. I still lived with parents back then, still do now so I have no clue why I had to mention the fact that I’m still poor and I can’t afford to live alone. 

So I’m bawling my eyes out, crying like I just crashed my dad’s car and looking frantically for my phone that had slipped under my seat. My left knee throbbed and my parents hadn’t still picked up. A few guys saw the whole thing and came to my help, had me move my car and calmed me down until my dad returned my call. 

Tow truck and all, the car was dragged all the way to my home. my dad made me move his other car and I did while tears rolled down my face. To this day I still cringe when I remember how it happened, the sound and the fact that the dude that was ridding with me is still alive, happily married btw. I’m glad I forced him to wear the damn seatbelt. Hell, I don’t even move if you don’t put that damn thing on. 

Now of course I went to the police the next day and we had insurance and my leg did bruised and hurt for a couple of days but nothing major. The car was fixed, if I could describe how bad it looked it was like an old man without teeth. Poor baby.

I may sound like a pussy after saying it but im actually I was scarred for life. For years I had to talk myself into grabbing the keys and going to places, like the supermarket or get food to eat. I got head aches and whenever someone talked about me driving I felt like my stomach summersaulted and my heart stopped spending oxygenated blood to my brain. Brain damage and all I tried, I lied a couple of times saying I couldn’t drive at time. Since I wear glasses to drive, a necessity I hate, I would say that the lights of the other cars blinded me. 

I still have a tiny bit of fear when it comes to driving but I have become more comfortable and im able to drive longer distances and also I don’t stick to main roads, I follow some routes suggested by Waze. 

like today; that bitch took me through all the back alleys unknown to the normal human.

But I drive now.

Untitled

I’m having a really hard time these past couple of days and it has to be with the constant weather change.

I’m really sensitive when it comes to climate change but I hasn’t happened before while im in my own country. I travel, I used to travel more but I made the decision to go back to school and pursue a masters degree, a basic one actually. I enjoy it but I’m short on cash and time, I mean there’s no price on education really but as the end comes near I being to get more and more desperate to just be done with it.

School is no my number one priority right now and even thought I tend to procrastinate a lot of things, like assignments, I always end up getting good grades. I must say if I paid this much effort before I could have been way better, I lacked motivation and I really didn’t liked what I was studying. But that’s another story for another time.

IT all started with my allergies. I skin is my main concern, since a while back I haven’t had a clear skin in years and no matter how much I spend on skin care products or routines. It gets better to get worse, is a vicious cicle and I wish my body would stop with the hormones and stuff. I even go to a place to get facials, and I know that if I go constantly it would help me more but the issue with it is that I have less time now and also it doesn’t help my savings account or monthly expenses on silly things like books and food, and whatever I convince myself is a good thing to get on amazon. But is mostly food these days .

So my allergies aren’t something you could see, I mainly start to feel itchy on my arms and upper body. Then it spreads like fire, my eyes water, my throats threatens to swell but I think that part is inside my head and then there’s the ears. Itchy ears. Just writing about that makes me want to dip a cotton swab in lukewarm water and gently roll it around my index and thumb while I scratch the back of my throats, if there is such thing, until I feel satisfied. Which tends to take a lot.

The next and final, that I know of, is the nose stuffing. And that’s kind of new.

You see whenever I’m somewhere with low temperature, like under the 45 F my nose bleeds but since is so cold everything is stuck in there until I use warm water to liquify everything. I mean it feels like ice chards and no matter how much I pick and blow it won’t come off until I apply warm water and patience. I use to make fun of people whose nose would bleed by calling them weak without knowing that some day that might be me. At least is because of reasons named above and not cause I flicked it and it casually opened some tiny vain.  There was this girl in my class, whom I recent to this day, that would have bleeds and I’d just stare from my desk in disgust. she would thought her head back while everything stood around worried. Back then I gave no fucks, I still don’t but by that time I was socializing to a degree. I kept books that some how I found inside this box at home, weren’t age appropriate for me because of all of the sex happening there but even with that I was one of the few who got out of high school with her V card still attached, or  more vulgar, with my himen intact.

Wow, I going way out of topic here.

And this is where I decided sleep was far better than me continuing this post, you see I value sleep greatly. Is the next day and any ideas related to whatever was my point here have already dissipated. 

I’m done.

I'm unable to name this blog post, so I'll do just like that song by Simple Plan Untittled and be done with it. Good night.