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a little heads up would be lovely

I have this pattern. I have these thoughts and ideas and dreams that will never see the light of day. I don’t have friends, I mean want to but people push me out of their lives. Is me, my personality makes them push me away. 

I don’t get text messages or calls, my phone is just for decoration. I’ve noticed that the effort I make no longer works, even when I’m trying to work on how I talk or act. no one is seeking for my company. No one wants me around. If I don’t talk to people first, they don’t talk to me at all. Ignored. My phone hasn’t rung in in months, I mean people from outside my family don’t call me. I have asked myself what is that I do or say. I do try, I swear. I just want to know now, if there’s no one for me then why even try. I know some people are destined for great things, others to have families and others to just be alone.

Am I that?

Am I supposed to be the lonely person?

I can accept it if I’m that, if I’m that is okay. The uncertainty of not knowing is what keeps me down. Is why I don’t post anymore, why I don’t update social media, or why I sometimes lie to myself thinking people might care if I delete it. Is why I seek men’s attention on the web and then later regretting because the outcome is going to be the same. I don’t reach out anymore. Why?

What’s the point?

I’m stuck, have been for years.

I’m stuck and I don’t know how to get out.

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Stop being “normal”

Why is it the norm to be nice to people, to smile, to nod and pretend to like them? Why do we force ourselves to believe there is good in everyone and if not then when flick that switch and go around to pretend that the person that makes your blood boils isn’t doing it on purpose so is you who is being problematic and no them.

Do we really have to like everyone?

Do we really need that many friends?

Is being alone and single in your thirties a bad thing? Should we just follow up on what “great minds” say and not do what we think or simply not trust our gut and go by life the way we want to go.

Letting be told what to do, what to think and how to act. For years and years society has said to do things a certain way, that bad behavior is equal to just not following the rules but, who made the rules and why do the rules feel like they benefit you more than they do me?

Why are you in charge? Who put you there and why?

Why should I be like you?

What if you are wrong?

Questioning yourself is not a sign of weakness. Going in life as if you have no personality or belief or thinking like everyone else is. It makes you, to people who have woken up, look like the zombie society wants you to be.

There’s no how to in life, is mostly how they want you to do things. So if there’s a manual of behavior is what acceptable to the world, this society that has made you think that the one with the most followed, liked and reposted is the one that is right.

Shouldn’t we, by now, have it all figured it out?

Seeking validation. Buying all that stuff because someone said that having a lot is equal to being successful in life. Materialism and being nice, that’s how the world has gone about for centuries, maybe the orange guy ain’t as bad as we think he is, he may be a bit out there but some of the things he says are true. Some of the things most irrational minds say are true, i’m not saying he’s found the source of all truth and rightness but maybe being eccentric, to a point, is what we should aspire to be. But what is eccentric, does it really means what people say it means or is it just a word that screams out “different.”

Go ahead and type it into google. Look at who has been eccentric and then you tell me if being normal and nice is the way all we should be.