I suggested it.
You know when you break up any kind of relationship and a couple of days go by and you feel worse and worse. You have to fight yourself to not write or call or just go over that person house because deep inside you know it won’t do any good, to anyone.
I tried to fight the urge to write, I swear I did but the need to ask for a few words, the hope that it might not be the end, the not really or the what ifs played with my mind and the strong person I know crumbled into pieces and cried for days unsure what to do. Pretended that everything was alright while inside the world was falling apart, crying inside while painting another picture.
The thing is that I’m so unsure of people’s intentions these days that is hard to just trust someone, even more someone that I was starting to have deep feelings for and once I did, once I made the decision to let go and try this happened. It happened so fast that I didn’t take any time to think about how to react or say or what was really happening. I reacted like he did and maybe it was his fault or maybe it was my immature heart, but I suggested we broke it all off.
Because I was standing in limbo waiting for an answer. I didn’t know where we stood or what was I supposed to say or do. I mean, is really hard to have a long-distance relationship with someone that misunderstands every single word you type and when you try to explain yourself is just too much work and you rather give them the win. I see my mistakes now. But also, also I felt so tense and not myself for the time it lasted. I wasn’t me. I was restricting my outspoken self and my sarcastic humor and my love for things. I’m not saying it was all bad but once you stop being your true self is not a good sign and the funny thing that you notice that once you’re out of it.
Once you call it quits and you see how wrong it was all going and you realize that maybe, maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we need more time or maybe we won’t talk again.
He was always right.
He was the one who talked about the future out loud, I only had started to think about the future.
He called me baby.
I didn’t call him anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid.
It was one-sided, yes.
But not because I wanted it to be, I felt things for him. I felt so much I cried once it was over.
But also, I think he was selfish and immature. He wanted to be right until the very end. Long distance relationships, if you ever make the attempt to have one take so much time and patience and trust.
So much trust.
The love songs I listen to meant something, now they’re just words to me.
Yes, we’re done.