Obsessive habits

I know I’m not the only that falls in love with some sort of thing or activity and after a while I just get tired of it.

The amount of trash I have accumulated with time due to my obsessive compulsive need to do things, to buy things and later leave them because I got bored with them is embarrassing. I wasted so much money in silly things that sometimes makes me wonder what little self control I have.

Is just knowing that I have stuff is gratifying.

At least the first few weeks.

Things I’ve tried to do in the past: Knitting, Bujos, doodles, cross-stiching, watercoloring, yoga.

And is not like is bad to pursue something is that I spent good amount of money on every single hobby I tried to tackle. I have unused markers, paints, thread, brushes,  yoga mat, and god knows what else. I have dedicated secret Pinterest boards to each one of them.

Even blogging. I started trying to blog several times before. Like right now, I used to post a few thing and then forget about it or claim that I didn’t had the time to sit down and write about something in particular. Mostly the lack of focus or that I get so easily distracted with everything else in my life.

I am now being drawn to Minimalism. Which in my case would be a good thing since I have so much shit, which got me thinking or has made me think about all the unnecessary things I keep getting. But being a minimalist has a cost as much as you can get from getting rid of the clutter and the worries about owning so much or so little of something.

I mean why do I need over ten pair of jeans when I’m stuck with the only two that fit me right now. The thought of losing weight in the near future is the lie we all tell ourselves when we are faced with the reality that there’s too much in a small crammed space. I have learned that if I don’t wear something or if I don’t see myself wearing it then I shouldn’t be keeping it in the first place. Is so easy and simple. And also makes it so much easier to just see what is available to be worn.

high angle view of shoes

I’m not saying I will do the 333 Project. You know, that one when you only wear 33 items in three months. Got overly popular over all social media for a while, when being a minimalist started to make sense to people but now, now is just something people have found out that works for them. That relieves them from the worry and anxiety getting more and more.

What I’m trying to say is that I finally understand myself. How my brain works and how I can fight the obsession I get over owning or doing things I may not be capable to stick to. Which in my case has been all of them.

 

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I’m not a hugger

I don’t know if I have talked about this here.

I may have but since I don’t keep track of what I write about here or anywhere else, to me is like an open conversation where I’m the only one talking. Okay, so a monologue. Sometimes a really short one and on some occasions I ramble out of control mashing up things. inexplicable things that make sense when you know me or if you are me.

The value of personal space to me is like a lot. I put it above everything else. Like you not are allowed to be inside the imaginary circle I’m able to draw around my body by extending my arms unless I say so. That’s as much as any stranger needs and people that I dislike, because hate is a strong word. Also, people I know fall outside that circle just because we aren’t cool like that and the last cool person in my life left me for a better job.

I have this issue with personal space ever since I can remember and if you, as person that has known me for a while might notice my quirks. there are several but on this particular post I’m only going to focus on the no touching rule. If I can.

adult boy break browsing

Is not that I hate the touch of another human being. I’m totally fine with some members of my family, some people that I’ve known from years and sometimes there this particular individual that I might just feel close to right away. Of course, there’s the state of humor I am. Being a volatile person and moody. An argument or simply feeling down may trigger that part in me that feels disgusted when touched. I am aware that in the environment I work in most of the time I’m going to have to touch or be touched, but that’s one of the things that has helped me. Is not always, I’m not feeling like I want to barf every single time one person grabs my arm or brushes against me. Is way more than that.

What happens, the way I react is something I cannot control and I’m very verbal about it. I tell people that I know are going to stay a while in my life what to expect of me and the many ways I can react. One of the reasons is that sometimes people are more sensitive than others and my reaction may make them feel some sort of way and even hurt them. People seem thrown of when I tell them about not liking to exchange hugs. I do hug but I don’t just give them away.

Like why should I? 

If there was a valid reason for me to be hugging people left and right I would consider it, in the mean time I decided who and when to hug.

To me touching is something personal. Intimate even. Words are what can pull two people together but when the right person touches you, your body, brain and soul react. Now imagine having the opposite reaction; disgust, gagging and feeling dirty.

I cringe when sometimes this particular girl at my job links arms with me, I try. I really try not to let I show and rapidly look for a way to get as much distance as possible. if I don’t I feel like I might die of something, no kidding but I feel as if I can’t breathe. imagine what was it like when I took the bus for college or being seated between two people on a plane. noise cancelling headphones, books and other various gadgets are used to pull me outside my body. The use of long sleeves has proven to have some positive effect. the feel of skin over skin makes uncomfortable. Obviously, that there is a parenthesis when a SO is involved.

Back at it again

The last entry I tried to write was about my new status, which now feels like old news but still, at the time was new and I felt like I was dying, for the first time in years. Which is odd since I tend to contemplate the act of killing myself but actually dying because of something I feel instead of something I don’t made me want to rectify the situation.

That sounds so odd and stupid and yet I guess that how it is, how I function.

Okay so now, I guess, I’ll be more active on this since I finally was able to replace my old surface with my the computer of my dreams. That one that I had been salivating for years and after I decided to save for it and then my Microsoft Surface Pro 4 played a trick on me. And I say trick because I was quite happy with it, even with the fact that right from the start it gave me problems.

I loved that computer, even more the fact that it was also a tablet and so easy to carry around. So compact and at first I really fell in love with Windows 10. I’ve been using it since it made its launch and I was still fighting to maintain alive my old HP,  whose old ram, battery and keyboard are not suitable for 2018. I still have it, since I’m unable to detach myself from any sort of tech I’m able to afford or get my way into having, is tucked away inside my closet. It lives if you’re wondering, I checked two weeks ago. Still boots up but the password I set it up with starts with an N and that is one of the many keys that won’t work. I will have to try and see if my wireless keyboard does the trick and I can finally see what’s in there.

Now back again with the Surface Pro, right at the beginning the screen would flicker after a few hours of use. I did the research and it was a thing among the other users so if I just let it cool down I could use it later, no big deal since I have patience and a monitor that I could hook up if there was some assignment that I needed to finish.

The constant updates. Those weren’t even necessary. I’m not a heavy user, I do the normal stuff. I write a lot, maybe I’ll edit a few things for a friend on AI and download a lot of stuff. Ok, I’m more that the average consumer and those things, the upgrades weren’t really necessary. One thing about the upgrades is that the change the settings, what your computer is built for, and as time passes those updates demand more ram, more memory. all that will affect not only the performance but the battery life. Is a common thing with every single gadget out there. Hell, it happened to my Kindle Fire when, the battery barely lasts a day which bring us back to Microsoft. I am not totally blaming that it was the updates but as each one was installed the battery life lasted less and less until it was time for me to deliver this important final project that, for my class I had to show the progress to my professor each week, so since my “trusty computer” couldn’t hold an sec of power I was screwed.

Oh and another thing. I couldn’t download any other programs that weren’t official or illegal. Let’s face it, we all don’t have that kind of money for the memberships and “one time payments” that once you do the math is a lot of money.

After all the drama of this semester I took my credit card and bought myself a new computer. A MacBook pro and so far I like it a lot.

 

We broke up

I suggested it.

You know when you break up any kind of relationship and a couple of days go by and you feel worse and worse. You have to fight yourself to not write or call or just go over that person house because deep inside you know it won’t do any good, to anyone.

I tried to fight the urge to write, I swear I did but the need to ask for a few words, the hope that it might not be the end, the not really or the what ifs played with my mind and the strong person I know crumbled into pieces and cried for days unsure what to do. Pretended that everything was alright while inside the world was falling apart, crying inside while painting another picture.

The thing is that I’m so unsure of people’s intentions these days that is hard to just trust someone, even more someone that I was starting to have deep feelings for and once I did, once I made the decision to let go and try this happened. It happened so fast that I didn’t take any time to think about how to react or say or what was really happening. I reacted like he did and maybe it was his fault or maybe it was my immature heart, but I suggested we broke it all off.

Why?

Because I was standing in limbo waiting for an answer. I didn’t know where we stood or what was I supposed to say or do. I mean, is really hard to have a long-distance relationship with someone that misunderstands every single word you type and when you try to explain yourself is just too much work and you rather give them the win. I see my mistakes now. But also, also I felt so tense and not myself for the time it lasted. I wasn’t me. I was restricting my outspoken self and my sarcastic humor and my love for things. I’m not saying it was all bad but once you stop being your true self is not a good sign and the funny thing that you notice that once you’re out of it.

Once you call it quits and you see how wrong it was all going and you realize that maybe, maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we need more time or maybe we won’t talk again.

He was always right.

He was the one who talked about the future out loud, I only had started to think about the future.

He called me baby.

I didn’t call him anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid.

It was one-sided, yes.

But not because I wanted it to be, I felt things for him. I felt so much I cried once it was over.

But also, I think he was selfish and immature. He wanted to be right until the very end. Long distance relationships, if you ever make the attempt to have one take so much time and patience and trust.

So much trust.

The love songs I listen to meant something, now they’re just words to me.

Yes, we’re done.

Must be nice not being me

The problem with the human brain is that you only know what’s going on in your own head. Studies have tried to tell us what is going on, the chemical balance in your heads and the pills that make us “feel better”. I’m not saying I’m bipolar or anything like that. Well, I might be. I haven’t been tested but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort of depression, or mental illness.

I don’t want to get tested, and then sometimes I do. More and more when those pretty thoughts cloud my head and I find myself wanting to cry because life fails me miserably or I just don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.

Maybe is hormones, being a woman is possible. Period peeks and then the pains and the uncomfortable feelings down there and then there’s the bloating. On top of having to bleed from your lady parts there’s the issue with bloating. Gaining up to 10 pounds just because your time of the month is approaching. Is cruelty at a it’s max!

The last time I cried, like bawled my eyes out I owe it to two things. A boy and my period. Maybe it was or my period and then the feeling of lost magnified it by ten and made me cry like I lost the love of my life when it was more like something I held onto because I’m a very lonely person. I feel neglected most of the time and when I find someone that shows a genuine interest in me I let the walls drop and that’s when they usually disappear, when I have feelings.

I have avoided having those from quite a while. Like years. Is pretty easy to numb yourself from them when you’ve had years of practice and now, now that I’m in the process of letting someone get to know me I am back to feeling slightly depressed, a little bit suicidal and maybe paranoid.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t need a hot line number or a doctors opinion.

I need to vent.

I need time to heal and to understand that if it happens again, that if he disappears I will be ok. That I will be better than ok. Because I am not ok, not right now.