Let’s celebrate life

Welcome back! 

Yes, I am in fact welcoming my self back to freedom. And to this and to whoever reads my crap. 

I am weeks away from finishing up my thesis and even thought, even thought, I still have some points that I just got a notification from my professor that I must change or else I might not finish, I al taking a break before tackling that, which I knew that it was coming but I, like the moron I am sent it as it was because for some stupid reason I was hopeful it wasn’t necessary to add something I had done, I mean I have them and yet I did add them to the document I stupidly sent just minutes before the portal closed. 

It is a known fact, to at least the few that do know me that I am a professional procrastinator. And professional means that I am aware of my due date and I meet them but by the will of god, for some reason he still deals with my shit and helps whenever I can’t anymore. Like, right now I should be typing away the pieces that are missing from my investigation but still I am here, watching a youtube video and on the other side is my switch, I keep glancing towards it. I want to play, so bad. 

I tend to forget what I want to rant or ramble or confuse you about.

So let’s begin.

Yes, is ugly but that’s what not using a pen for a long while do to you.

Oh well I already covered the first thing but barely. 

As of right now I have like three documents opened, all three about all the things I was able to come up and then the investigation to back it up and then the graphics and tables and costs. Everything is mostly done is just me that needs to tie everything together and give it sense and then print it and deliver it to my teacher. Sound simple and it is but when ones mind blocks because you cannot find the right word to connect what you are trying to say, well is all downhill but I’m getting there, and I will celebrate like the single grown up I am, cider and porn.

I made a bad decision today. I went out grocery shopping at rush hour but my excuse is that, I didn’t know it was 5 PM. I had been laying down “reading” and then I suddenly decided that I needed to start eating healthy. My reflection these days is not looking good, I have more than a belly, love handles and extra everywhere. I mean I spilling out of my bras. Is disgusting, not about being fat, just that I know I can control myself and that is unhealthy to be gaining weight the way am. I’m  scared that one day I’ll woke up and it’ll be too late.

Theres this new boy. Super cute and so white, I tease him about it. I am not white, I’m black, light skinned. He’s super sweet, at least he is now. I mean you never know with long distance flings, right?

He’s different, I mean, I’m not sure yet. We talk a lot and he’s not like all the other dudes but I think is mostly me that’s not letting, my brain I mean. I’m not allowing me to get excited about it. I mean I do like his face, a lot! He’s too cute! And so nerdy. Which is cool, cause I happen to be a nerd about some things, but he’s extra nerdy. I’m fine with that and hopefully it can go to more that mutual interest and maybe sex, oral sex and vaginal sex, hell the whole coitus thing.

Finally, I’m going to paste a few pictures here. I was adventuring for a few days in New York and took a bunch of pictures. Amaize yourself. None include my face tho.

I think I’ll save the rest to talk about my trip to NY and NJ.

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I drive myself places

I didn’t hate it at the beginning. It happened two years after I was able to pass through both written and practice exam, so we could say that I had some experience. I had this car in college, a Toyota Camry, one of those big ones and for some reason after taking it to the mechanic it was really fast, like it responded really quick so I used to to driven up to 100 mph, or kph? I’m not sure, is one of the two.

It would be nice if I never had to drive. I really hate it and something that I learned how to do because is a necessity and you really need to have four wheels to go somewhere or Über will eat up your paycheck.

I didn’t hate it at the beginning. It happened two years after I was able to pass through both written and practice exam, so we could say that I had some experience. I had this car in college, a Toyota Camry, one of those big ones and for some reason after taking it to the mechanic it was really fast, like it responded really quick so I used to to driven up to 100 mph, or kph? I’m not sure, is one of the two.

The cause of all my troubles happened at 1:00 AM. I was waiting for the green line on an intersection and all of the sudden I crashed against this truck.

No, it wasn’t my fault!

The dude went on red, and got a big dent on his side. And also escaped the scene. I still lived with parents back then, still do now so I have no clue why I had to mention the fact that I’m still poor and I can’t afford to live alone. 

So I’m bawling my eyes out, crying like I just crashed my dad’s car and looking frantically for my phone that had slipped under my seat. My left knee throbbed and my parents hadn’t still picked up. A few guys saw the whole thing and came to my help, had me move my car and calmed me down until my dad returned my call. 

Tow truck and all, the car was dragged all the way to my home. my dad made me move his other car and I did while tears rolled down my face. To this day I still cringe when I remember how it happened, the sound and the fact that the dude that was ridding with me is still alive, happily married btw. I’m glad I forced him to wear the damn seatbelt. Hell, I don’t even move if you don’t put that damn thing on. 

Now of course I went to the police the next day and we had insurance and my leg did bruised and hurt for a couple of days but nothing major. The car was fixed, if I could describe how bad it looked it was like an old man without teeth. Poor baby.

I may sound like a pussy after saying it but im actually I was scarred for life. For years I had to talk myself into grabbing the keys and going to places, like the supermarket or get food to eat. I got head aches and whenever someone talked about me driving I felt like my stomach summersaulted and my heart stopped spending oxygenated blood to my brain. Brain damage and all I tried, I lied a couple of times saying I couldn’t drive at time. Since I wear glasses to drive, a necessity I hate, I would say that the lights of the other cars blinded me. 

I still have a tiny bit of fear when it comes to driving but I have become more comfortable and im able to drive longer distances and also I don’t stick to main roads, I follow some routes suggested by Waze. 

like today; that bitch took me through all the back alleys unknown to the normal human.

But I drive now.

Why do we smell?

The beginning of November marks the end, I hope, of something I have been doing wrong for the last month.

You see, I understand how disgusting the human body is. All we see on TV, movies and magazines is not what is actually is. I mean come on, let’s start with our morning breath, it doesn’t matter how well you brush your teeth or how rough you are or the use of floss and mouth wash it still awful the next morning, some worse than others. We all secret and discharge and are disgustingly beautiful on the inside.

We are basically full of shit 24/7 and as much as pretty girls would like to make it seem differently they often take a dump just like you do. They even look when they wipe. I know, I know is a little disgusting and you may have probably stopped reading by now but we have to accept that we are all dis-fuckig-gusting. 

I could name different things our bodies do and you could google them and we would never ever be friends after that, you’d hate me. Hell you’d sue me because you’d be scarred for life.

Now back to my issue.

Let me explain you a little bit about my ritual, or some part of it. Once I get home from work I shower with warm soapy water and then I proceed to use body cream, sometimes scented sometimes I skip it, it all the depends on my mood. I also have the tendency of skipping deodorant at home. I don’t need it and I hardly ever sweat and that’s where I want I focus. Skipping has been becoming a habit and since I use layers and layers of clothing both work and daily life. I like jackets and cardigans because for some reason I am always cold. Now picture me working for 8 to 9 straight hours and then picture me skipping the damn deodorant.

Chaos.

I don’t know why my body at times like these betrays me. In a temperature controlled environment where I hardly do any heavy lifting, maybe stress could trigger some sweating but not the amount necessary to feel like I have a cascade running down my armpits. Which is what I normally feel or have been feeling every single time my stupid brain decides to tell I have sprayed it all over my silly smelly old ass pits when I haven’t.

I get so enraged every single time this happens. I’m like “seriously bitch, again?” like life teaches you to learn of your mistakes and this one keeps repeating nonstop and every single time I have to sit stupidly straight, being careful not to move my arms away from the sides of my body, use only elbow to wrist movements and pray to Jesus that the air doesn’t drag my natural human odor to the person next to me.

I just wish that at least something in our lives was perfect.

 Body odor sucks


There wasn't a single picture that was relatable enough to add to this entry. I was thinking about buying an iPad and draw my own images. I wish I could add a donate button, if you're interested in giving me your money let me know.

Irrelevant

Someone asked me what I blog about and I haven’t replied.

I wanted to come up with some sort of witty line that might make me sound interesting. Is not that I’m not but I’m not as self-centered or gullible enough to believe that I’m relevant in the blogging world when I’m able to see the daily statistics, and you can’t have big numbers when you update things that people don’t like or aren’t relevant to them. Like my last post, already deleted. It didn’t catch any attention, so is a draft for now or forever.

The answer is me. I write about what bothers me, what annoys me, what keeps me up at night. I’m sure that most newbies do that or not. I’m not sure. I haven’t been an avid blog follower, I don’t stick up on to an only thing. If is not a book I don’t think I will keep focus because I get distracted easily, even more when is something that is above 500 words.

Like I could write about the fact that I came to an empty classroom to write a post about, well me, and a lady came in and said hello. I said hello back, even thought I didn’t want her to come in I can’t tell her to get out. she has as much right as I me to be here but then after she came in another one entered and they started chatting. Loudly.  Now, there are four of them and they keep complaining about the fact that their teacher is being an asshole, one of them is threatening to drop out if the she can’t meet up his demands and now the clicking of a mouse is driving me insane. Even with headphones on and Demi Lovato crying about love I’m able to listen to them.

adult art conceptual darkI’m annoyed.

I have never understood why people, random people that I don’t know are able to get me to this level. By level I mean wanting to take out their eyeballs with a plastic spoon.

Maybe is the fact that most won’t care that their voice tone is too loud, that their comments are rude and that the sound of their voice is not a pleasant one. The millions of possibilities a person can annoy me, annoys me. Wow, that one made me smile.

I guess I’m just moody today. I wasn’t this morning. Maybe being take out of my perfect cocoon made the chemical leves in my brain jump from one lobe to the other and here we are, me venting out to strangers about strangers giving me hives. Not even the song Boston by Agustana is able to help soothe this disgusted-annoyed feeling.

I need carbs.

It’s a Match, Now What?

I use Tinder and I’m not ashamed of it.

I have walls you see, high walls made up cement and barbed wire and I am aware that everyone does too but is not easy to just launch yourself on a dating app.  You have to be confident that whoever sees you will swipe right or least consider it for a second or two, thus the picture you use has to be somewhat a clear image and look sincere.

man and woman holding heart boards
some things are meant to never work, like my love life

There are a few things that would make me swipe right;

  • a smile
  • a dog
  • a handsome beared face

I do not think looks are everything but I do think that I have to feel atracted to what my eyes are looking at. Being fat or dark colored aren’t a deal breaker but having children might be. I’m no opposed of you having a life before meeting me but what can assure me that I won’t come second, because I won’t when it comes to children, or that I won’t feel jealousy o selfishness. I am human, I’m aware that human beings are terrible and sometimes we tend to think everything should be just the way we want them so that is a valid reason, for me, to me.

I almost. almost forgot all about that. I convinced myself to give a chance to a dude that sounded real over the phone. That appeared to have a decent job and a future. That might be a good man to me so I agreed. I a greed to meet, to go out.

His eagerness towards meeting was too much but even so I agreed.

Life has its way to change your mind about things, even asking for advice won’t make you feel a 100% sure about your decision, in my case to go out on a date. I was going to Uber, I kinda hate driving but since I was supposed to go to class before the meeting took place so that meant I’d have to Uber to school, from school to the place we were meeting and then back home. So three Ubers in one night. That’s a lot of unnecessary money being spent when I have a good functioning car capable of taking me to places. Plus valet parking so after a lot of consideration I decided the car was a better choice. So life or something else told me take my car.

He never offered to pick me up. I think I even asked him that and he replied he was going to Uber too. By that moment I was already in class going over the menu of the place and figuring out the route that would take me. Yes, I’m a planner. I tend to go over things before doing them.

About thirty minutes or less before class was done he texts me that he can’t make it because his daughter was suddenly brought to his place. Yes, the man that had been insisting for two weeks we should meet suddenly announced at 8 pm that he couldn’t make it and was sorry about it. Not only it had been planned days ahead but he almost begged that he needed to meet me.

 

I wasn’t pissed. It bothered me really, and then it went away. When you expect nothing is hard to feel anything at all.

He said he was sorry I said;

ok,

and then the next day it was like nothing from him until around 11 am and I didn’t feel the need to reply. Like for what?


There's something that sometimes bothers me about people who judge those who go by looks instead of, well not good looking. The whole service is to match people that have said "Oh, I find you interesting," is like windows shopping and if you like someone hot and he likes you back then how is not giving the opportunity to an ugly or not so good looking guy/man. 

I'm sorry to say it but sometimes the pretty ones have far more confidence on being straightforward to what they want or how much they like you or will try so I would rather know right away what im getting into.

 

Writing this gave me headache: Relationships and the curious world of the BDSM – lite

What’s so wrong with taking things slow.

abstract art artistic artwork
This has nothing to do with this post but I had no clue what sort of image would be relatable without making me look more perverted that I already am. Open to suggestions

Eagerness just sometimes may be taken as a sign of desperation. I’m flattered that somehow I may have gotten someone interested in me, which I find weird and a little scary. Most of the time I get someone that has a mild interest in me tends to disappear or give up or, is it me that does that? Either way is something that totally terrifies me and makes me act like a paranoid person. Which I am. But also I tend to feel like everything is going to end up wrong so I have, for many years, well months after my last fiasco,  i’m guarding myself from everything related to or close to an actual relationship with a man. And I say with a man because since no one really know who I am and my sexual preferences.

I must say that I lean towards the male side, making me straight w1ith some weird likes, but 99.9% straight. I wish I could name the things, kinks I lean towards to, that most people would find disgusting so keep my mouth shut and live in my little fantasies at night when no one’s looking or doing crazy things like befriending a male dominant, like a real Dom, just because I was curious but scared enough to make a me stand in between the two worlds, vanilla and spice.

I mainly blame it to two things, Fifty Shades of Grey, for opening the void and making me curious about the unknown and Tumblr, because a couple of years back they weren’t part of Yahoo and there was no control over what was being posted on it. Also my curiosity plays big part on this. You see, a non curious person would have just read the books and moved on with his/her life, if that sort of life didn’t woke up that itch that needed to be starched by a wrapped latex penis. hah, that’s something that I hadn’t thought about before. Weird.

But not me.

I did the research. Not that sort of investigative report Anastasia Steele did once Christian Grey suggested she started with the word Submissive. Way ahead of you girl! I did the full research for every unknown word and anything that sounded like it was something I wasn’t supposed to known and then I stared going onto Fetlife and discovered this local group near my city, took online tests and pools and such, and then followed these girls online and then more books appeared and by then I was hooked for like two years on BDSM themed like stories and then I tried to write a few and made a name of myself on Tumblr and then I discovered that I might be into spanking and then I saw a video and the result of a what a real spanking did your body and decided it wasn’t for me.

 

There’s so much weird online but also SO interesting.

 

There’s this crowd online that lives a double life, for us, the ones that, well for the ones that know nothing like Jon Snow. Like I would just look at some couples and wonder how kinky are they or if they like it rough or simply how vanilla are they.

After being just a lurker, I could categorize myself into one of the many many tags that they hav. I’d say I’m a voyeur. I could never take part of a scene, I’m too uptight and even thought I have many fantasies that I would love to live someday. I also believe that I’m not into sharing or any group sex activities that these individuals seem to enjoy. I guess is something you’d have to experience to really know if you would like or not. I’m not overruling it, is a possibility like everything in life but I just don’t see myself doing it.

Ok, I have gotten out of context. I have no clue how I wen’t from writing about my views on eager men towards the BDSM world.

I need to start structuring my posts or is it fun to just don’t know what to expect whenever I post something?

I’m getting sleepy.

I wish I had the courage to write about my own sexual experiences for once  but I am not that brave and here, even making Lady Grey my online persona I can’t shed the idea that there might be a way to figure out who am I. See, I’m paranoid af.

I may have left some things vaguely explained but yeah, that's all you get.

Finally Accomplished something #2 : Le Health

A couple of weeks ago I had a health scare.

For around three – four days, I felt like I was going to pass away in the middle of the night. It may sound dramatic but my whole body felt like it was suspended in mid air. Weightless and lightheaded at the same time.

What scared me the most was that I hardly ever get sick. I drink vitamins, I do cleansing (this means when you drink stuff that makes you get rid of the bad stuff inside you ) and I do like to stop drinking carbonated drinks and sugar for short periods at a time. Is my way to give my body break. By no means that implies that I’m skinny but I do have capability of stopping myself from stuffing my face with no much junk food. I’m a walking contradiction. I am in perfect body health, my lab test says so! I’m just a few pounds over my ideal body weight. which is not skinny but healthy looking with toned abs and legs.

Someday I will get there, in the mean time I will drink green tea and pretend I’m a fit girl a few months at a time. I know I am lying to myself, I have no time. Work and school consume most of my free time and also I tend to ignored the fact that I could easily work out but I like to pretend that the extra time I do get a few days a weeks is for sleeping my ass off.

Back to my health scare. I also felt this tingling sensation on my lips and toes, my heart felt like it was slowing down and the only time I felt a tiny bit better was whenever I was horizontal on my bed. There was also this almost me barfing but not really.  headaches and feeling cold inside. I wouldn’t even let myself fall sleep because in my head I really thought I was going to die in my sleep. All this happened and not a single soul knew. I even went to get my pressure checked. According to WebMD I could have been having a heart attack or some sort of stroke and something related to it so I went and first of all there’s this new doctor at my job. I felt like didn’t believe what I said and since I’m used to work with people I had to play myself around her, just agreed and had her send me for lab tests, just to see if there was anything wrong.

My pressure test came out perfect. If I don’t smoke and stop eating disgusting food, like Cheetos then I will live to a 100 or if cancer gets me I may not get very far.  But you should never talk about cancer, so let’s scratch that work. Cancer.

I went and in like less than 30 minutes I had all my blood and pee in tubes and stuff and laid back in bed. Oh yeah, woke up that day around 6 AM. I hate waiting and most labs here, where I live, open very early. I think I was like one of the first few that got tested.

At the end it was nothing, well not nothing. There’s this virus around, that attacks people in different ways and my version was similar to some others.

I really thought I was going to dieeeee~!

 

no pictures this time.

bye!

*I'm sorry you had to experience how crazy my brain works.