It’s a Match, Now What?

I use Tinder and I’m not ashamed of it.

I have walls you see, high walls made up cement and barbed wire and I am aware that everyone does too but is not easy to just launch yourself on a dating app.  You have to be confident that whoever sees you will swipe right or least consider it for a second or two, thus the picture you use has to be somewhat a clear image and look sincere.

man and woman holding heart boards
some things are meant to never work, like my love life

There are a few things that would make me swipe right;

  • a smile
  • a dog
  • a handsome beared face

I do not think looks are everything but I do think that I have to feel atracted to what my eyes are looking at. Being fat or dark colored aren’t a deal breaker but having children might be. I’m no opposed of you having a life before meeting me but what can assure me that I won’t come second, because I won’t when it comes to children, or that I won’t feel jealousy o selfishness. I am human, I’m aware that human beings are terrible and sometimes we tend to think everything should be just the way we want them so that is a valid reason, for me, to me.

I almost. almost forgot all about that. I convinced myself to give a chance to a dude that sounded real over the phone. That appeared to have a decent job and a future. That might be a good man to me so I agreed. I a greed to meet, to go out.

His eagerness towards meeting was too much but even so I agreed.

Life has its way to change your mind about things, even asking for advice won’t make you feel a 100% sure about your decision, in my case to go out on a date. I was going to Uber, I kinda hate driving but since I was supposed to go to class before the meeting took place so that meant I’d have to Uber to school, from school to the place we were meeting and then back home. So three Ubers in one night. That’s a lot of unnecessary money being spent when I have a good functioning car capable of taking me to places. Plus valet parking so after a lot of consideration I decided the car was a better choice. So life or something else told me take my car.

He never offered to pick me up. I think I even asked him that and he replied he was going to Uber too. By that moment I was already in class going over the menu of the place and figuring out the route that would take me. Yes, I’m a planner. I tend to go over things before doing them.

About thirty minutes or less before class was done he texts me that he can’t make it because his daughter was suddenly brought to his place. Yes, the man that had been insisting for two weeks we should meet suddenly announced at 8 pm that he couldn’t make it and was sorry about it. Not only it had been planned days ahead but he almost begged that he needed to meet me.

 

I wasn’t pissed. It bothered me really, and then it went away. When you expect nothing is hard to feel anything at all.

He said he was sorry I said;

ok,

and then the next day it was like nothing from him until around 11 am and I didn’t feel the need to reply. Like for what?


There's something that sometimes bothers me about people who judge those who go by looks instead of, well not good looking. The whole service is to match people that have said "Oh, I find you interesting," is like windows shopping and if you like someone hot and he likes you back then how is not giving the opportunity to an ugly or not so good looking guy/man. 

I'm sorry to say it but sometimes the pretty ones have far more confidence on being straightforward to what they want or how much they like you or will try so I would rather know right away what im getting into.

 

Writing this gave me headache: Relationships and the curious world of the BDSM – lite

What’s so wrong with taking things slow.

abstract art artistic artwork
This has nothing to do with this post but I had no clue what sort of image would be relatable without making me look more perverted that I already am. Open to suggestions

Eagerness just sometimes may be taken as a sign of desperation. I’m flattered that somehow I may have gotten someone interested in me, which I find weird and a little scary. Most of the time I get someone that has a mild interest in me tends to disappear or give up or, is it me that does that? Either way is something that totally terrifies me and makes me act like a paranoid person. Which I am. But also I tend to feel like everything is going to end up wrong so I have, for many years, well months after my last fiasco,  i’m guarding myself from everything related to or close to an actual relationship with a man. And I say with a man because since no one really know who I am and my sexual preferences.

I must say that I lean towards the male side, making me straight w1ith some weird likes, but 99.9% straight. I wish I could name the things, kinks I lean towards to, that most people would find disgusting so keep my mouth shut and live in my little fantasies at night when no one’s looking or doing crazy things like befriending a male dominant, like a real Dom, just because I was curious but scared enough to make a me stand in between the two worlds, vanilla and spice.

I mainly blame it to two things, Fifty Shades of Grey, for opening the void and making me curious about the unknown and Tumblr, because a couple of years back they weren’t part of Yahoo and there was no control over what was being posted on it. Also my curiosity plays big part on this. You see, a non curious person would have just read the books and moved on with his/her life, if that sort of life didn’t woke up that itch that needed to be starched by a wrapped latex penis. hah, that’s something that I hadn’t thought about before. Weird.

But not me.

I did the research. Not that sort of investigative report Anastasia Steele did once Christian Grey suggested she started with the word Submissive. Way ahead of you girl! I did the full research for every unknown word and anything that sounded like it was something I wasn’t supposed to known and then I stared going onto Fetlife and discovered this local group near my city, took online tests and pools and such, and then followed these girls online and then more books appeared and by then I was hooked for like two years on BDSM themed like stories and then I tried to write a few and made a name of myself on Tumblr and then I discovered that I might be into spanking and then I saw a video and the result of a what a real spanking did your body and decided it wasn’t for me.

 

There’s so much weird online but also SO interesting.

 

There’s this crowd online that lives a double life, for us, the ones that, well for the ones that know nothing like Jon Snow. Like I would just look at some couples and wonder how kinky are they or if they like it rough or simply how vanilla are they.

After being just a lurker, I could categorize myself into one of the many many tags that they hav. I’d say I’m a voyeur. I could never take part of a scene, I’m too uptight and even thought I have many fantasies that I would love to live someday. I also believe that I’m not into sharing or any group sex activities that these individuals seem to enjoy. I guess is something you’d have to experience to really know if you would like or not. I’m not overruling it, is a possibility like everything in life but I just don’t see myself doing it.

Ok, I have gotten out of context. I have no clue how I wen’t from writing about my views on eager men towards the BDSM world.

I need to start structuring my posts or is it fun to just don’t know what to expect whenever I post something?

I’m getting sleepy.

I wish I had the courage to write about my own sexual experiences for once  but I am not that brave and here, even making Lady Grey my online persona I can’t shed the idea that there might be a way to figure out who am I. See, I’m paranoid af.

I may have left some things vaguely explained but yeah, that's all you get.

Finally Accomplished something #2 : Le Health

A couple of weeks ago I had a health scare.

For around three – four days, I felt like I was going to pass away in the middle of the night. It may sound dramatic but my whole body felt like it was suspended in mid air. Weightless and lightheaded at the same time.

What scared me the most was that I hardly ever get sick. I drink vitamins, I do cleansing (this means when you drink stuff that makes you get rid of the bad stuff inside you ) and I do like to stop drinking carbonated drinks and sugar for short periods at a time. Is my way to give my body break. By no means that implies that I’m skinny but I do have capability of stopping myself from stuffing my face with too much junk food. I’m a walking contradiction. I am in perfect body health, my recdent lab test says so! I’m just a “few” pounds over my ideal body weight. which is not skinny but healthy looking with untoned abs and legs.

Someday I will get there, in the mean time I will drink green tea and pretend I’m a fit girl a few months at a time. I know I am lying to myself, I have no time. Work and school consume most of my free time and also I tend to ignored the fact that I could easily work out but I like to pretend that the extra time I do get a few days a weeks is for sleeping my ass off.

Back to my health scare. I also felt this tingling sensation on my lips and toes, my heart felt like it was slowing down and the only time I felt a tiny bit better was whenever I was horizontal on my bed. There was also this almost me barfing but not really.  headaches and feeling cold inside. I wouldn’t even let myself fall sleep because in my head I really thought I was going to die in my sleep. All this happened and not a single soul knew. I even went to get my pressure checked. According to WebMD I could have been having a heart attack or some sort of stroke and something related to it so I went and first of all there’s this new doctor at my job. I felt like didn’t believe what I said and since I’m used to work with people I had to play myself around her, just agreed and had her send me for lab tests, just to see if there was anything wrong.

My pressure test came out perfect. If I don’t smoke and stop eating disgusting food, like Cheetos then I will live to a 100 or if cancer gets me I may not get very far.  But you should never talk about cancer, so let’s scratch that word. Cancer.

I went and in like less than 30 minutes I had all my blood and pee in tubes and stuff and laid back in bed. Oh yeah, woke up that day around 6 AM. I hate waiting and most labs here, where I live, open very early. I think I was like one of the first few that got tested.

At the end it was nothing, well not nothing. There’s this virus around, that attacks people in different ways and my version was similar to some others.

I really thought I was going to dieeeee~!

no pictures this time.

bye!

*I'm sorry you had to experience how crazy my brain works. 

Finally accomplished something #1

And I have decided to try to at least write something every night, least a 100 words. 

This week has been full of ups and downs. Now that Sunday is here, cause is 12 AM. I have been working on my final project for the last two hours. You know trying to teak and change things until they are perfect. If you’re like me, anal and crazy and multitasker.

You have like ten hundred different documents open on and like ten lists of all the things that need to be done to your project.

pen calendar to do checklist
that looks nothing like my handwriting

Oh, and also you have a youtube video in the background on my other computer, which I talked about, it died and I can only used when is plugged in so is for entertainment. I usually have Vloggers, is like having someone in the same room with me, talking while I try to figure things out. 

I could use a podcast, but the thing is I never stick to one or they tend to get annoying after a while. And music, I tend to keep changing tracks and then I remember the music video and I start to look at videos and then is all downhill from there. My attention is no longer on the task I’m supposed to be working on. 

I have rambled so much that I forgot what I was trying to write about or at least what idea made me want to write. 

I get distracted so easy. 

……..

Wow.

Bye!

 

* Note: Here is what I have been watching for the last three hours. 

FU Mother Nature

We had another earthquake.

Mmmm I don’t know if I wrote about it here.

Well a couple days ago we had one and it was around midnight. 5.1, so it was strong enough to make the front door shake and complain about it.

I don’t know you but I expect that, with al the technology in the world and the countless advances and discoveries scientific claim they’ve had over years, the information regarding the quake in my area be available the second it stops. I know, it may be a little bit or a lot of me to ask but even hours later you get nothing, I’m exaggerating a little, pages online that claim that they have the latest update on earthquakes around the world.

I would like to know if it caused a Tsunami and if I’m in the path of it.

you see I live on this small island, close to the coast. Well, I’m on a high terrain but still I know people that are close to the sea.

eye of the storm image from outer space
Look at this big ass hurracaine

The thing is I need information ASAP regarding natural disasters.

Don’t even get me started about Tropical Storms, Hurricanes, Tropical Depressions, typhoons and cyclones. To me is all the same, is water and wind together. One stronger than the other.

I like it when they have a set path to somewhere, like where I live. Like okay, we are used to them coming over, wrecking the place and moving along somewhere to do equal o more damage and like regroup and rebuild or just try to go through with whatever was left behind. But when they suddenly, at the last moment just decided “Oh, I’m not coming over anymore.” I would like, just like punch the storm in the eye. Like bitch, you had us running up and down, prepping and moving furniture around, taping glass windows and buying canned goods for thing.

RUDE!

Obsessive habits

I know I’m not the only that falls in love with some sort of thing or activity and after a while I just get tired of it.

The amount of trash I have accumulated with time due to my obsessive compulsive need to do things, to buy things and later leave them because I got bored with them is embarrassing. I wasted so much money in silly things that sometimes makes me wonder what little self control I have.

Is just knowing that I have stuff is gratifying.

At least the first few weeks.

Things I’ve tried to do in the past: Knitting, Bujos, doodles, cross-stiching, watercoloring, yoga.

And is not like is bad to pursue something is that I spent good amount of money on every single hobby I tried to tackle. I have unused markers, paints, thread, brushes,  yoga mat, and god knows what else. I have dedicated secret Pinterest boards to each one of them.

Even blogging. I started trying to blog several times before. Like right now, I used to post a few thing and then forget about it or claim that I didn’t had the time to sit down and write about something in particular. Mostly the lack of focus or that I get so easily distracted with everything else in my life.

I am now being drawn to Minimalism. Which in my case would be a good thing since I have so much shit, which got me thinking or has made me think about all the unnecessary things I keep getting. But being a minimalist has a cost as much as you can get from getting rid of the clutter and the worries about owning so much or so little of something.

I mean why do I need over ten pair of jeans when I’m stuck with the only two that fit me right now. The thought of losing weight in the near future is the lie we all tell ourselves when we are faced with the reality that there’s too much in a small crammed space. I have learned that if I don’t wear something or if I don’t see myself wearing it then I shouldn’t be keeping it in the first place. Is so easy and simple. And also makes it so much easier to just see what is available to be worn.

high angle view of shoes

I’m not saying I will do the 333 Project. You know, that one when you only wear 33 items in three months. Got overly popular over all social media for a while, when being a minimalist started to make sense to people but now, now is just something people have found out that works for them. That relieves them from the worry and anxiety getting more and more.

What I’m trying to say is that I finally understand myself. How my brain works and how I can fight the obsession I get over owning or doing things I may not be capable to stick to. Which in my case has been all of them.

 

Back at it again

The last entry I tried to write was about my new status, which now feels like old news but still, at the time was new and I felt like I was dying, for the first time in years. Which is odd since I tend to contemplate the act of killing myself but actually dying because of something I feel instead of something I don’t made me want to rectify the situation.

That sounds so odd and stupid and yet I guess that how it is, how I function.

Okay so now, I guess, I’ll be more active on this since I finally was able to replace my old surface with my the computer of my dreams. That one that I had been salivating for years and after I decided to save for it and then my Microsoft Surface Pro 4 played a trick on me. And I say trick because I was quite happy with it, even with the fact that right from the start it gave me problems.

I loved that computer, even more the fact that it was also a tablet and so easy to carry around. So compact and at first I really fell in love with Windows 10. I’ve been using it since it made its launch and I was still fighting to maintain alive my old HP,  whose old ram, battery and keyboard are not suitable for 2018. I still have it, since I’m unable to detach myself from any sort of tech I’m able to afford or get my way into having, is tucked away inside my closet. It lives if you’re wondering, I checked two weeks ago. Still boots up but the password I set it up with starts with an N and that is one of the many keys that won’t work. I will have to try and see if my wireless keyboard does the trick and I can finally see what’s in there.

Now back again with the Surface Pro, right at the beginning the screen would flicker after a few hours of use. I did the research and it was a thing among the other users so if I just let it cool down I could use it later, no big deal since I have patience and a monitor that I could hook up if there was some assignment that I needed to finish.

The constant updates. Those weren’t even necessary. I’m not a heavy user, I do the normal stuff. I write a lot, maybe I’ll edit a few things for a friend on AI and download a lot of stuff. Ok, I’m more that the average consumer and those things, the upgrades weren’t really necessary. One thing about the upgrades is that the change the settings, what your computer is built for, and as time passes those updates demand more ram, more memory. all that will affect not only the performance but the battery life. Is a common thing with every single gadget out there. Hell, it happened to my Kindle Fire when, the battery barely lasts a day which bring us back to Microsoft. I am not totally blaming that it was the updates but as each one was installed the battery life lasted less and less until it was time for me to deliver this important final project that, for my class I had to show the progress to my professor each week, so since my “trusty computer” couldn’t hold an sec of power I was screwed.

Oh and another thing. I couldn’t download any other programs that weren’t official or illegal. Let’s face it, we all don’t have that kind of money for the memberships and “one time payments” that once you do the math is a lot of money.

After all the drama of this semester I took my credit card and bought myself a new computer. A MacBook pro and so far I like it a lot.