I suggested it.
You know when you break up any kind of relationship and a couple of days go by and you feel worse and worse. You have to fight yourself to not write or call or just go over that person house because deep inside you know it won’t do any good, to anyone.
I tried to fight the urge to write, I swear I did but the need to ask for a few words, the hope that it might not be the end, the not really or the what ifs played with my mind and the strong person I know crumbled into pieces and cried for days unsure what to do. Pretended that everything was alright while inside the world was falling apart, crying inside while painting another picture.
The thing is that I’m so unsure of people’s intentions these days that is hard to just trust someone, even more someone that I was starting to have deep feelings for and once I did, once I made the decision to let go and try this happened. It happened so fast that I didn’t take any time to think about how to react or say or what was really happening. I reacted like he did and maybe it was his fault or maybe it was my immature heart, but I suggested we broke it all off.
Because I was standing in limbo waiting for an answer. I didn’t know where we stood or what was I supposed to say or do. I mean, is really hard to have a long-distance relationship with someone that misunderstands every single word you type and when you try to explain yourself is just too much work and you rather give them the win. I see my mistakes now. But also, also I felt so tense and not myself for the time it lasted. I wasn’t me. I was restricting my outspoken self and my sarcastic humor and my love for things. I’m not saying it was all bad but once you stop being your true self is not a good sign and the funny thing that you notice that once you’re out of it.
Once you call it quits and you see how wrong it was all going and you realize that maybe, maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we need more time or maybe we won’t talk again.
He was always right.
He was the one who talked about the future out loud, I only had started to think about the future.
He called me baby.
I didn’t call him anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid.
It was one-sided, yes.
But not because I wanted it to be, I felt things for him. I felt so much I cried once it was over.
But also, I think he was selfish and immature. He wanted to be right until the very end. Long distance relationships, if you ever make the attempt to have one take so much time and patience and trust.
So much trust.
The love songs I listen to meant something, now they’re just words to me.
Yes, we’re done.
The problem with the human brain is that you only know what’s going on in your own head. Studies have tried to tell us what is going on, the chemical balance in your heads and the pills that make us “feel better”. I’m not saying I’m bipolar or anything like that. Well, I might be. I haven’t been tested but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort of depression, or mental illness.
I don’t want to get tested, and then sometimes I do. More and more when those pretty thoughts cloud my head and I find myself wanting to cry because life fails me miserably or I just don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.
Maybe is hormones, being a woman is possible. Period peeks and then the pains and the uncomfortable feelings down there and then there’s the bloating. On top of having to bleed from your lady parts there’s the issue with bloating. Gaining up to 10 pounds just because your time of the month is approaching. Is cruelty at a it’s max!
The last time I cried, like bawled my eyes out I owe it to two things. A boy and my period. Maybe it was or my period and then the feeling of lost magnified it by ten and made me cry like I lost the love of my life when it was more like something I held onto because I’m a very lonely person. I feel neglected most of the time and when I find someone that shows a genuine interest in me I let the walls drop and that’s when they usually disappear, when I have feelings.
I have avoided having those from quite a while. Like years. Is pretty easy to numb yourself from them when you’ve had years of practice and now, now that I’m in the process of letting someone get to know me I am back to feeling slightly depressed, a little bit suicidal and maybe paranoid.
This is not a cry for help. I don’t need a hot line number or a doctors opinion.
I need to vent.
I need time to heal and to understand that if it happens again, that if he disappears I will be ok. That I will be better than ok. Because I am not ok, not right now.