Is not Avoidant Behavior Disorder

Hey, It’s been a while.

I just didn’t have anything exciting or depressing enough to report. I live a very mild life, no great achievements or nothing relevant happens to me. I am not important.

I lay every night in bed alone, wishing that is going to be different the next day. That even when I know I might end up alone there’s a low chance that it could change, that someone random can see what others haven’t, what I haven’t been able to show.

I’m awkward by default, I tend to make things awkward all the time. Is like I’m wired that way, is the result of the many fails in life. The wall is strong, so strong that even knowing the possible outcome to something I might do or say I still do the worse instead of showing vulnerable, instead of telling them in. Yes, this is another post about failure and there were factors that didn’t help my insecure personality. I’m not going to write about those, is something that appears to not have a solution. My frail mind obviously thinks is fine to explain what I really meant instead of what I said but then I also go over the possibilities; he might not care at all, or he has moved on, or I was just a distraction, or he is waiting for me to say something.

I have reached.

I have contemplated.

I have gone and read a few post on the Forever Alone subreddit.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about but since I woke up yesterday, once I realized around 9:17 pm that he wasn’t going to reply, even when he was online, I told myself I didn’t have to delete the app or make myself invisible. I didn’t have to cry because I have done that before and it has just been barely 16 days.

I got attached too quick. Not to him, it’s the idea, to the chance I might have had.

Maybe my brain has a kill switch, whenever I feel like there’s something good out there for me, that something nice is about to happen my brain cells activate the stupid part, the part that is incapable of tuning in with another human being. The social part.

I feel sad for future old alone me.

She’s going to be a sad cranky lady and it breaks my heart.

Stop being “normal”

Why is it the norm to be nice to people, to smile, to nod and pretend to like them? Why do we force ourselves to believe there is good in everyone and if not then when flick that switch and go around to pretend that the person that makes your blood boils isn’t doing it on purpose so is you who is being problematic and no them.

Do we really have to like everyone?

Do we really need that many friends?

Is being alone and single in your thirties a bad thing? Should we just follow up on what “great minds” say and not do what we think or simply not trust our gut and go by life the way we want to go.

Letting be told what to do, what to think and how to act. For years and years society has said to do things a certain way, that bad behavior is equal to just not following the rules but, who made the rules and why do the rules feel like they benefit you more than they do me?

Why are you in charge? Who put you there and why?

Why should I be like you?

What if you are wrong?

Questioning yourself is not a sign of weakness. Going in life as if you have no personality or belief or thinking like everyone else is. It makes you, to people who have woken up, look like the zombie society wants you to be.

There’s no how to in life, is mostly how they want you to do things. So if there’s a manual of behavior is what acceptable to the world, this society that has made you think that the one with the most followed, liked and reposted is the one that is right.

Shouldn’t we, by now, have it all figured it out?

Seeking validation. Buying all that stuff because someone said that having a lot is equal to being successful in life. Materialism and being nice, that’s how the world has gone about for centuries, maybe the orange guy ain’t as bad as we think he is, he may be a bit out there but some of the things he says are true. Some of the things most irrational minds say are true, i’m not saying he’s found the source of all truth and rightness but maybe being eccentric, to a point, is what we should aspire to be. But what is eccentric, does it really means what people say it means or is it just a word that screams out “different.”

Go ahead and type it into google. Look at who has been eccentric and then you tell me if being normal and nice is the way all we should be.

I have an itch I can’t seem to get rid of

You know those times when a really private part of your body itches and you’re in public, so you can’t do it because people have eyes and will stare and judge even though they go through the same thing so you need a private space like your home and since you’re out you can’t scratch it so you run to an empty stop and try to reach and relieve yourself but you’re so desperate and so afraid people will see so the moment is over before you could ever feel a bit of satisfaction from it, so you are back to point zero. You’re itching. And once at home the itch is gone, forgotten and pushed back to the back of your head. Like everything else you crave but push back because you’re afraid.


I’m having a really hard time these past couple of days and it has to be with the constant weather change.

I’m really sensitive when it comes to climate change but I hasn’t happened before while im in my own country. I travel, I used to travel more but I made the decision to go back to school and pursue a masters degree, a basic one actually. I enjoy it but I’m short on cash and time, I mean there’s no price on education really but as the end comes near I being to get more and more desperate to just be done with it.

School is no my number one priority right now and even thought I tend to procrastinate a lot of things, like assignments, I always end up getting good grades. I must say if I paid this much effort before I could have been way better, I lacked motivation and I really didn’t liked what I was studying. But that’s another story for another time.

IT all started with my allergies. I skin is my main concern, since a while back I haven’t had a clear skin in years and no matter how much I spend on skin care products or routines. It gets better to get worse, is a vicious cicle and I wish my body would stop with the hormones and stuff. I even go to a place to get facials, and I know that if I go constantly it would help me more but the issue with it is that I have less time now and also it doesn’t help my savings account or monthly expenses on silly things like books and food, and whatever I convince myself is a good thing to get on amazon. But is mostly food these days .

So my allergies aren’t something you could see, I mainly start to feel itchy on my arms and upper body. Then it spreads like fire, my eyes water, my throats threatens to swell but I think that part is inside my head and then there’s the ears. Itchy ears. Just writing about that makes me want to dip a cotton swab in lukewarm water and gently roll it around my index and thumb while I scratch the back of my throats, if there is such thing, until I feel satisfied. Which tends to take a lot.

The next and final, that I know of, is the nose stuffing. And that’s kind of new.

You see whenever I’m somewhere with low temperature, like under the 45 F my nose bleeds but since is so cold everything is stuck in there until I use warm water to liquify everything. I mean it feels like ice chards and no matter how much I pick and blow it won’t come off until I apply warm water and patience. I use to make fun of people whose nose would bleed by calling them weak without knowing that some day that might be me. At least is because of reasons named above and not cause I flicked it and it casually opened some tiny vain.  There was this girl in my class, whom I recent to this day, that would have bleeds and I’d just stare from my desk in disgust. she would thought her head back while everything stood around worried. Back then I gave no fucks, I still don’t but by that time I was socializing to a degree. I kept books that some how I found inside this box at home, weren’t age appropriate for me because of all of the sex happening there but even with that I was one of the few who got out of high school with her V card still attached, or  more vulgar, with my himen intact.

Wow, I going way out of topic here.

And this is where I decided sleep was far better than me continuing this post, you see I value sleep greatly. Is the next day and any ideas related to whatever was my point here have already dissipated. 

I’m done.

I'm unable to name this blog post, so I'll do just like that song by Simple Plan Untittled and be done with it. Good night.

Why do we smell?

The beginning of November marks the end, I hope, of something I have been doing wrong for the last month.

You see, I understand how disgusting the human body is. All we see on TV, movies and magazines is not what is actually is. I mean come on, let’s start with our morning breath, it doesn’t matter how well you brush your teeth or how rough you are or the use of floss and mouth wash it still awful the next morning, some worse than others. We all secret and discharge and are disgustingly beautiful on the inside.

We are basically full of shit 24/7 and as much as pretty girls would like to make it seem differently they often take a dump just like you do. They even look when they wipe. I know, I know is a little disgusting and you may have probably stopped reading by now but we have to accept that we are all dis-fuckig-gusting. 

I could name different things our bodies do and you could google them and we would never ever be friends after that, you’d hate me. Hell you’d sue me because you’d be scarred for life.

Now back to my issue.

Let me explain you a little bit about my ritual, or some part of it. Once I get home from work I shower with warm soapy water and then I proceed to use body cream, sometimes scented sometimes I skip it, it all the depends on my mood. I also have the tendency of skipping deodorant at home. I don’t need it and I hardly ever sweat and that’s where I want I focus. Skipping has been becoming a habit and since I use layers and layers of clothing both work and daily life. I like jackets and cardigans because for some reason I am always cold. Now picture me working for 8 to 9 straight hours and then picture me skipping the damn deodorant.


I don’t know why my body at times like these betrays me. In a temperature controlled environment where I hardly do any heavy lifting, maybe stress could trigger some sweating but not the amount necessary to feel like I have a cascade running down my armpits. Which is what I normally feel or have been feeling every single time my stupid brain decides to tell I have sprayed it all over my silly smelly old ass pits when I haven’t.

I get so enraged every single time this happens. I’m like “seriously bitch, again?” like life teaches you to learn of your mistakes and this one keeps repeating nonstop and every single time I have to sit stupidly straight, being careful not to move my arms away from the sides of my body, use only elbow to wrist movements and pray to Jesus that the air doesn’t drag my natural human odor to the person next to me.

I just wish that at least something in our lives was perfect.

 Body odor sucks

There wasn't a single picture that was relatable enough to add to this entry. I was thinking about buying an iPad and draw my own images. I wish I could add a donate button, if you're interested in giving me your money let me know.


I’m pretty sure I can talk about it since is an issue that they wouldn’t even imagine that is me.

You may be a little bit confused now but when I explain it a little bit then maybe you can understand, while Jack Johnson sings about Pancakes I will tell you about it.

I write. 

Besides this sporadic type of blog on my free time and I am having my spurs of creativity I pour my soul into word documents. I write about pretty girls and handsome guys that have some sort issues, first world problems that can be solved without Thanos having to appear out of thin air and snap his fingers.

My stories are above all my own fantasies, well most of them. I can’t possibly write about what appeals me most of the time, people would think I’m sick or maybe not. I sometimes worry too much about what people would think of me but that is another story for some other time. Now what I was referring to is that I was contacted a while ago by some online publishing web page or whateveryounaycallit and they are interested in one, or the only one present on the page right now. I have wanted for a while for someone to take notice and now that they have I feel like my baby is being taken away from me.

That and me having some plans with it. I wanted to send my manuscript to this publisher house but to do that I have to edit and also do this covet letter or some sort of letter telling them why my story should be taken by them.

I felt pressured reading all they asked me to have on that letter, all the requirements. I know I can do it, I’m sure I can. I just have to do it, which is the problem. I have the editors name that I have to direct the letter to, her name has been sitting on my desktop for weeks now. is a matter of decision and also, is like what if she doesn’t pick me? and then what if she does? is too much I need Jesus.

Now, if I do take the offer of the people that contacted me I must say goodbye to the publishing rights online, or so I read. I am in no condition on evaluating the example of their contract, is late and is better to tackle that with a cool head and sleep and rest.

I do know that this is a chance I’m getting, the first one but then what if this editor does pick me.

Idk what to do…

Resultado de imagen para red pill

Is this what Neo felt like when Morpheous made him choose?