I could eat it, but I wont.

Yeah, it’s been a while.

Today I felt disgusted at my own reflection at the gym, not that I hate who I am but who I have let myself become. I should start by saying that I’m the heaviest I been in all my life. I was lucky to have a normal weight all through high school and college, not skinny but just normal and healthy. I have to add that I never took care of my self or watched what I ate because I believed that gaining weight would never happen to me and then years later I feel uncomfortable when my body rolls, thick arms, and eyes are exposed even more when I see girls that are killing themselves doing lunges and throwing dumbells, complicated lifts and cardio like their ass was on fire.

I guess in a way my body is showing me what happens when I don’t take care of it.

I know what I’m capable of and that if I had wanted to I’d be what I wanted to be, fit. I don’t care about being like a model but a toned and healthy person. I remember I used to come up with the most ridiculous things whenever someone suggested a diet or dieting together. Is incredible the amount of shit the mind is capable to come up within a matter of seconds.

The other day I had a whole conversation with myself while standing in line to buy a salad right next door to a Burger King, which isn’t even that great. I kept saying in my head that if the line advanced I would treat myself French fries. That’s my weakness or one of the many, like baked sweets, chocolate or anything that I find yummy. even now I am debating whether I should or not eat this chocolate coin someone gave me at work that I had forgotten about inside my purse and found today.

If I keep it on my nightstand it will be something like a test; I could eat it but if I do the whole purpose of me losing weight depends on my will to be strong and overpower the need of chocolate, that I don’t really want but I need to have.

My mouth waters just thinking about it but also the reasonable part of my brain screams about the moment after is all gone, there will be regret and also the chocolate won’t be as I great as I think it is and then is me feeling sad and fat and depress because of my lack of self-control.

I mean I could eat it, at any moment of the day but then my journey would be over before it even started, I’m not even giving me a chance to prove that I can, sabotaging the dream, the wish, the vision I have in my head. So yeah, this piece of sugar and cocoa will hunt me every day until I’m unable to withstand it but as long as I’m able to stop myself is a battle won, a point in my favor. My own little personal challenge.

#nochocolatechallenge

 

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Let’s celebrate life

Welcome back! 

Yes, I am in fact welcoming my self back to freedom. And to this and to whoever reads my crap. 

I am weeks away from finishing up my thesis and even thought, even thought, I still have some points that I just got a notification from my professor that I must change or else I might not finish, I al taking a break before tackling that, which I knew that it was coming but I, like the moron I am sent it as it was because for some stupid reason I was hopeful it wasn’t necessary to add something I had done, I mean I have them and yet I did add them to the document I stupidly sent just minutes before the portal closed. 

It is a known fact, to at least the few that do know me that I am a professional procrastinator. And professional means that I am aware of my due date and I meet them but by the will of god, for some reason he still deals with my shit and helps whenever I can’t anymore. Like, right now I should be typing away the pieces that are missing from my investigation but still I am here, watching a youtube video and on the other side is my switch, I keep glancing towards it. I want to play, so bad. 

I tend to forget what I want to rant or ramble or confuse you about.

So let’s begin.

Yes, is ugly but that’s what not using a pen for a long while do to you.

Oh well I already covered the first thing but barely. 

As of right now I have like three documents opened, all three about all the things I was able to come up and then the investigation to back it up and then the graphics and tables and costs. Everything is mostly done is just me that needs to tie everything together and give it sense and then print it and deliver it to my teacher. Sound simple and it is but when ones mind blocks because you cannot find the right word to connect what you are trying to say, well is all downhill but I’m getting there, and I will celebrate like the single grown up I am, cider and porn.

I made a bad decision today. I went out grocery shopping at rush hour but my excuse is that, I didn’t know it was 5 PM. I had been laying down “reading” and then I suddenly decided that I needed to start eating healthy. My reflection these days is not looking good, I have more than a belly, love handles and extra everywhere. I mean I spilling out of my bras. Is disgusting, not about being fat, just that I know I can control myself and that is unhealthy to be gaining weight the way am. I’m  scared that one day I’ll woke up and it’ll be too late.

Theres this new boy. Super cute and so white, I tease him about it. I am not white, I’m black, light skinned. He’s super sweet, at least he is now. I mean you never know with long distance flings, right?

He’s different, I mean, I’m not sure yet. We talk a lot and he’s not like all the other dudes but I think is mostly me that’s not letting, my brain I mean. I’m not allowing me to get excited about it. I mean I do like his face, a lot! He’s too cute! And so nerdy. Which is cool, cause I happen to be a nerd about some things, but he’s extra nerdy. I’m fine with that and hopefully it can go to more that mutual interest and maybe sex, oral sex and vaginal sex, hell the whole coitus thing.

Finally, I’m going to paste a few pictures here. I was adventuring for a few days in New York and took a bunch of pictures. Amaize yourself. None include my face tho.

I think I’ll save the rest to talk about my trip to NY and NJ.