I could eat it, but I wont.

Yeah, it’s been a while.

Today I felt disgusted at my own reflection at the gym, not that I hate who I am but who I have let myself become. I should start by saying that I’m the heaviest I been in all my life. I was lucky to have a normal weight all through high school and college, not skinny but just normal and healthy. I have to add that I never took care of my self or watched what I ate because I believed that gaining weight would never happen to me and then years later I feel uncomfortable when my body rolls, thick arms, and eyes are exposed even more when I see girls that are killing themselves doing lunges and throwing dumbells, complicated lifts and cardio like their ass was on fire.

I guess in a way my body is showing me what happens when I don’t take care of it.

I know what I’m capable of and that if I had wanted to I’d be what I wanted to be, fit. I don’t care about being like a model but a toned and healthy person. I remember I used to come up with the most ridiculous things whenever someone suggested a diet or dieting together. Is incredible the amount of shit the mind is capable to come up within a matter of seconds.

The other day I had a whole conversation with myself while standing in line to buy a salad right next door to a Burger King, which isn’t even that great. I kept saying in my head that if the line advanced I would treat myself French fries. That’s my weakness or one of the many, like baked sweets, chocolate or anything that I find yummy. even now I am debating whether I should or not eat this chocolate coin someone gave me at work that I had forgotten about inside my purse and found today.

If I keep it on my nightstand it will be something like a test; I could eat it but if I do the whole purpose of me losing weight depends on my will to be strong and overpower the need of chocolate, that I don’t really want but I need to have.

My mouth waters just thinking about it but also the reasonable part of my brain screams about the moment after is all gone, there will be regret and also the chocolate won’t be as I great as I think it is and then is me feeling sad and fat and depress because of my lack of self-control.

I mean I could eat it, at any moment of the day but then my journey would be over before it even started, I’m not even giving me a chance to prove that I can, sabotaging the dream, the wish, the vision I have in my head. So yeah, this piece of sugar and cocoa will hunt me every day until I’m unable to withstand it but as long as I’m able to stop myself is a battle won, a point in my favor. My own little personal challenge.

#nochocolatechallenge

 

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Untitled

I’m having a really hard time these past couple of days and it has to be with the constant weather change.

I’m really sensitive when it comes to climate change but I hasn’t happened before while im in my own country. I travel, I used to travel more but I made the decision to go back to school and pursue a masters degree, a basic one actually. I enjoy it but I’m short on cash and time, I mean there’s no price on education really but as the end comes near I being to get more and more desperate to just be done with it.

School is no my number one priority right now and even thought I tend to procrastinate a lot of things, like assignments, I always end up getting good grades. I must say if I paid this much effort before I could have been way better, I lacked motivation and I really didn’t liked what I was studying. But that’s another story for another time.

IT all started with my allergies. I skin is my main concern, since a while back I haven’t had a clear skin in years and no matter how much I spend on skin care products or routines. It gets better to get worse, is a vicious cicle and I wish my body would stop with the hormones and stuff. I even go to a place to get facials, and I know that if I go constantly it would help me more but the issue with it is that I have less time now and also it doesn’t help my savings account or monthly expenses on silly things like books and food, and whatever I convince myself is a good thing to get on amazon. But is mostly food these days .

So my allergies aren’t something you could see, I mainly start to feel itchy on my arms and upper body. Then it spreads like fire, my eyes water, my throats threatens to swell but I think that part is inside my head and then there’s the ears. Itchy ears. Just writing about that makes me want to dip a cotton swab in lukewarm water and gently roll it around my index and thumb while I scratch the back of my throats, if there is such thing, until I feel satisfied. Which tends to take a lot.

The next and final, that I know of, is the nose stuffing. And that’s kind of new.

You see whenever I’m somewhere with low temperature, like under the 45 F my nose bleeds but since is so cold everything is stuck in there until I use warm water to liquify everything. I mean it feels like ice chards and no matter how much I pick and blow it won’t come off until I apply warm water and patience. I use to make fun of people whose nose would bleed by calling them weak without knowing that some day that might be me. At least is because of reasons named above and not cause I flicked it and it casually opened some tiny vain.  There was this girl in my class, whom I recent to this day, that would have bleeds and I’d just stare from my desk in disgust. she would thought her head back while everything stood around worried. Back then I gave no fucks, I still don’t but by that time I was socializing to a degree. I kept books that some how I found inside this box at home, weren’t age appropriate for me because of all of the sex happening there but even with that I was one of the few who got out of high school with her V card still attached, or  more vulgar, with my himen intact.

Wow, I going way out of topic here.

And this is where I decided sleep was far better than me continuing this post, you see I value sleep greatly. Is the next day and any ideas related to whatever was my point here have already dissipated. 

I’m done.

I'm unable to name this blog post, so I'll do just like that song by Simple Plan Untittled and be done with it. Good night.