I could eat it, but I wont.

Yeah, it’s been a while.

Today I felt disgusted at my own reflection at the gym, not that I hate who I am but who I have let myself become. I should start by saying that I’m the heaviest I been in all my life. I was lucky to have a normal weight all through high school and college, not skinny but just normal and healthy. I have to add that I never took care of my self or watched what I ate because I believed that gaining weight would never happen to me and then years later I feel uncomfortable when my body rolls, thick arms, and eyes are exposed even more when I see girls that are killing themselves doing lunges and throwing dumbells, complicated lifts and cardio like their ass was on fire.

I guess in a way my body is showing me what happens when I don’t take care of it.

I know what I’m capable of and that if I had wanted to I’d be what I wanted to be, fit. I don’t care about being like a model but a toned and healthy person. I remember I used to come up with the most ridiculous things whenever someone suggested a diet or dieting together. Is incredible the amount of shit the mind is capable to come up within a matter of seconds.

The other day I had a whole conversation with myself while standing in line to buy a salad right next door to a Burger King, which isn’t even that great. I kept saying in my head that if the line advanced I would treat myself French fries. That’s my weakness or one of the many, like baked sweets, chocolate or anything that I find yummy. even now I am debating whether I should or not eat this chocolate coin someone gave me at work that I had forgotten about inside my purse and found today.

If I keep it on my nightstand it will be something like a test; I could eat it but if I do the whole purpose of me losing weight depends on my will to be strong and overpower the need of chocolate, that I don’t really want but I need to have.

My mouth waters just thinking about it but also the reasonable part of my brain screams about the moment after is all gone, there will be regret and also the chocolate won’t be as I great as I think it is and then is me feeling sad and fat and depress because of my lack of self-control.

I mean I could eat it, at any moment of the day but then my journey would be over before it even started, I’m not even giving me a chance to prove that I can, sabotaging the dream, the wish, the vision I have in my head. So yeah, this piece of sugar and cocoa will hunt me every day until I’m unable to withstand it but as long as I’m able to stop myself is a battle won, a point in my favor. My own little personal challenge.

#nochocolatechallenge

 

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glucose is bad for me

I been meaning to write for few days now but I am unable since I have acrylics on my nails and I find it awkward and dificult. They are far more longer than I’m used to, even with the tip of my fingers is a slow process and it bothers me.

I could do nail clippers on them but then I’m not sure how it will affect them or if i’d do a good job. pretty sure that i’d mess them up. i already gave up on trying to have good grammar.

I just want to be able to type and vent without have my nails in the way, and they do look pretty. i love them. but i also love it when i’m able to type to my hearts content. i know that i complain a lot but i guess i made this post just to do that specifically. sure, i had anothe concept in mind but my mind wonders everywhere and i find it hard to just stick to just one single thing. if i could i would talk about anything, everything and anyone. like the boy i find myself saying secrectly that he’s my boyfriend but i told him we weren’t doing labels until we met. yep, is a long distance thin and is a long story.

the fact that we been talking for years and even knew how he looked like makes me want to back and ask myself why didn’t i notice him. he did, right away i think but never told me a thing. i guess i was intested in someone else and we were basically friendly back then and not actually friends. he initiated the wooing and the hints and i cave in to let it happen and see were it takes us. or me. becuase i have this defense mechanism that makes me pull away from guys when something bigs is happening or bound to happen.

see what I mean about sticking to one thing. I’m unable to.

the thing is we are finally meeting or trying to. for me traveling is easier and I decided to go to him, not staying at his place cause….of reasons i have and have clearly stated several times. this is just to meet and see if the attraction is real. later we will see. for now is just hopes and dreams. i think he likes me more and to me is just habit. he is my type sans the vin diesel voice.

I guess this could be my journal now, uh?

if it is then I should talk about my weight issues and my new gym and healthy living, i swear i am trying to but is not easy when you are used to eat whatever you want. two days ago i almost cave in and had a twinkie. and today it was fried chicken. my advantage to all this is that i don’t do candies just bake stuff and i’m lazy, so it means i won’t drive myself to any store that has cakes, it’s been weeks since i’ve been at the supermarket or any stores. i did cheat today with a slice of cake that was inside the fridge, at the moment when i was gulfing it down like it was the last piece of cake in the world i felt great but afterwards not so much. my cravings are afected by my mestrual cycle a lot and we are on those days when it’s coming so sweets is the main thing on my head.

I also want to mix it with salty stuff but that’s a habit, like balancing the sugar and the sodium inside me. which is bad for me, the sugar, my head tends to want to explode whenener my intake is higher than what i’m used to or allow myself. one lolipo is fine, two; letal. so i try to moderated that and soda or carboanted drinks which have so much sugar in them. i’m also weak and i’m not going to sit here and type the ideal person that goes into a losing weight regimen and say that i haven’t eaten any sweets. i do, there’s this bag of reeses inside the fridge that proves it, the cake i already wrote about, the ice cream cake that also we had in the fridge and the three or four glasses of lemon juice, but those were because i have the flu and i am trying to get rid of it before it makes me weak and stupid.

dates relevant to this post:

  • the last time inside a supermarket may 16
  • last slice of cake today; jun 13
  • when i decided to finally start losing weight; jun 1

Let’s celebrate life

Welcome back! 

Yes, I am in fact welcoming my self back to freedom. And to this and to whoever reads my crap. 

I am weeks away from finishing up my thesis and even thought, even thought, I still have some points that I just got a notification from my professor that I must change or else I might not finish, I al taking a break before tackling that, which I knew that it was coming but I, like the moron I am sent it as it was because for some stupid reason I was hopeful it wasn’t necessary to add something I had done, I mean I have them and yet I did add them to the document I stupidly sent just minutes before the portal closed. 

It is a known fact, to at least the few that do know me that I am a professional procrastinator. And professional means that I am aware of my due date and I meet them but by the will of god, for some reason he still deals with my shit and helps whenever I can’t anymore. Like, right now I should be typing away the pieces that are missing from my investigation but still I am here, watching a youtube video and on the other side is my switch, I keep glancing towards it. I want to play, so bad. 

I tend to forget what I want to rant or ramble or confuse you about.

So let’s begin.

Yes, is ugly but that’s what not using a pen for a long while do to you.

Oh well I already covered the first thing but barely. 

As of right now I have like three documents opened, all three about all the things I was able to come up and then the investigation to back it up and then the graphics and tables and costs. Everything is mostly done is just me that needs to tie everything together and give it sense and then print it and deliver it to my teacher. Sound simple and it is but when ones mind blocks because you cannot find the right word to connect what you are trying to say, well is all downhill but I’m getting there, and I will celebrate like the single grown up I am, cider and porn.

I made a bad decision today. I went out grocery shopping at rush hour but my excuse is that, I didn’t know it was 5 PM. I had been laying down “reading” and then I suddenly decided that I needed to start eating healthy. My reflection these days is not looking good, I have more than a belly, love handles and extra everywhere. I mean I spilling out of my bras. Is disgusting, not about being fat, just that I know I can control myself and that is unhealthy to be gaining weight the way am. I’m  scared that one day I’ll woke up and it’ll be too late.

Theres this new boy. Super cute and so white, I tease him about it. I am not white, I’m black, light skinned. He’s super sweet, at least he is now. I mean you never know with long distance flings, right?

He’s different, I mean, I’m not sure yet. We talk a lot and he’s not like all the other dudes but I think is mostly me that’s not letting, my brain I mean. I’m not allowing me to get excited about it. I mean I do like his face, a lot! He’s too cute! And so nerdy. Which is cool, cause I happen to be a nerd about some things, but he’s extra nerdy. I’m fine with that and hopefully it can go to more that mutual interest and maybe sex, oral sex and vaginal sex, hell the whole coitus thing.

Finally, I’m going to paste a few pictures here. I was adventuring for a few days in New York and took a bunch of pictures. Amaize yourself. None include my face tho.

I think I’ll save the rest to talk about my trip to NY and NJ.

Consensual torture

Females should get an award for all the things we go thought to be pretty, to get pretty.

I think I may have forgotten the pain that comes with waxing, it had been years since the last time someone came so close to my armpit. No one has been this close before, and I’m talking about asian porn close. Don’t ask me just go with it, if you don’t know well good for you or too bad.

First is really uncomfortable because the armpits is the part of the body that only gets touched by the owner of it, never by the other person unless is a child that’s getting a bath and still, after a while the child learns and is over. Is a very tender and private, and with puberty comes body hair and then body odor, which is normal and thanks to showers, bath and deodorant we are able to disguise it with paste or aerosol packed with chemicals that does something and instead of sweat smells like flowers.

Is there some tutorial or Knowhow that tells you what you should do before waxing besides taking a bath and applying minimal deodorant?

I’m pretty sure there is but, at my age, which I am not revealing. I’m old enough for most things, okay, I’m an adult with responsibilities and bills and all that crap. Like I was saying, there are things that I should have knowing before walking in. I have to say before I continued that I Waxed for the first time at home. A horrible experiment I know and the way I did it. Well, it was nothing close to what this lady did.

All that has body hair gets ingrown hair. Even eyelashes and eyebrows do it, because they say fuck you I’m not doing it your way, I don’t want to be outside so they curb inwards and fuck up your life. That’s what a lot of my stupid hair did and since the wax wouldn’t or couldn’t take care of it the only way to go was the use of a nipper. That shit hurts.

Getting all or a bunch of hairs pulled out in cold blood after being smeared with hot-warm wax on a very sensitive part of your body hurts less that one single stubborn hair. And after you are laying there she rubs you this aloe combination thing that for some reason itches like crazy but you say nothing because you’re going to take it like the woman you are but plan to write about it later and vent to strangers online. Also, I was sweating like crazy.

Pain makes me sweat.

And the this idea came to me about hardcore sex. I know, where the mind wonders when you are horizontal getting tortured. I thought of BDSM and do they sweat when you know, they are getting hard core. Man, my hands were almost dripping and it wasn't that bad the people that take part on scenes must shed pounds of liquid all over or maybe that's just me.

Why do we smell?

The beginning of November marks the end, I hope, of something I have been doing wrong for the last month.

You see, I understand how disgusting the human body is. All we see on TV, movies and magazines is not what is actually is. I mean come on, let’s start with our morning breath, it doesn’t matter how well you brush your teeth or how rough you are or the use of floss and mouth wash it still awful the next morning, some worse than others. We all secret and discharge and are disgustingly beautiful on the inside.

We are basically full of shit 24/7 and as much as pretty girls would like to make it seem differently they often take a dump just like you do. They even look when they wipe. I know, I know is a little disgusting and you may have probably stopped reading by now but we have to accept that we are all dis-fuckig-gusting. 

I could name different things our bodies do and you could google them and we would never ever be friends after that, you’d hate me. Hell you’d sue me because you’d be scarred for life.

Now back to my issue.

Let me explain you a little bit about my ritual, or some part of it. Once I get home from work I shower with warm soapy water and then I proceed to use body cream, sometimes scented sometimes I skip it, it all the depends on my mood. I also have the tendency of skipping deodorant at home. I don’t need it and I hardly ever sweat and that’s where I want I focus. Skipping has been becoming a habit and since I use layers and layers of clothing both work and daily life. I like jackets and cardigans because for some reason I am always cold. Now picture me working for 8 to 9 straight hours and then picture me skipping the damn deodorant.

Chaos.

I don’t know why my body at times like these betrays me. In a temperature controlled environment where I hardly do any heavy lifting, maybe stress could trigger some sweating but not the amount necessary to feel like I have a cascade running down my armpits. Which is what I normally feel or have been feeling every single time my stupid brain decides to tell I have sprayed it all over my silly smelly old ass pits when I haven’t.

I get so enraged every single time this happens. I’m like “seriously bitch, again?” like life teaches you to learn of your mistakes and this one keeps repeating nonstop and every single time I have to sit stupidly straight, being careful not to move my arms away from the sides of my body, use only elbow to wrist movements and pray to Jesus that the air doesn’t drag my natural human odor to the person next to me.

I just wish that at least something in our lives was perfect.

 Body odor sucks


There wasn't a single picture that was relatable enough to add to this entry. I was thinking about buying an iPad and draw my own images. I wish I could add a donate button, if you're interested in giving me your money let me know.

Irrelevant

Someone asked me what I blog about and I haven’t replied.

I wanted to come up with some sort of witty line that might make me sound interesting. Is not that I’m not but I’m not as self-centered or gullible enough to believe that I’m relevant in the blogging world when I’m able to see the daily statistics, and you can’t have big numbers when you update things that people don’t like or aren’t relevant to them. Like my last post, already deleted. It didn’t catch any attention, so is a draft for now or forever.

The answer is me. I write about what bothers me, what annoys me, what keeps me up at night. I’m sure that most newbies do that or not. I’m not sure. I haven’t been an avid blog follower, I don’t stick up on to an only thing. If is not a book I don’t think I will keep focus because I get distracted easily, even more when is something that is above 500 words.

Like I could write about the fact that I came to an empty classroom to write a post about, well me, and a lady came in and said hello. I said hello back, even thought I didn’t want her to come in I can’t tell her to get out. she has as much right as I me to be here but then after she came in another one entered and they started chatting. Loudly.  Now, there are four of them and they keep complaining about the fact that their teacher is being an asshole, one of them is threatening to drop out if the she can’t meet up his demands and now the clicking of a mouse is driving me insane. Even with headphones on and Demi Lovato crying about love I’m able to listen to them.

adult art conceptual darkI’m annoyed.

I have never understood why people, random people that I don’t know are able to get me to this level. By level I mean wanting to take out their eyeballs with a plastic spoon.

Maybe is the fact that most won’t care that their voice tone is too loud, that their comments are rude and that the sound of their voice is not a pleasant one. The millions of possibilities a person can annoy me, annoys me. Wow, that one made me smile.

I guess I’m just moody today. I wasn’t this morning. Maybe being take out of my perfect cocoon made the chemical leves in my brain jump from one lobe to the other and here we are, me venting out to strangers about strangers giving me hives. Not even the song Boston by Agustana is able to help soothe this disgusted-annoyed feeling.

I need carbs.

Konundrum

I’m pretty sure I can talk about it since is an issue that they wouldn’t even imagine that is me.

You may be a little bit confused now but when I explain it a little bit then maybe you can understand, while Jack Johnson sings about Pancakes I will tell you about it.

I write. 

Besides this sporadic type of blog on my free time and I am having my spurs of creativity I pour my soul into word documents. I write about pretty girls and handsome guys that have some sort issues, first world problems that can be solved without Thanos having to appear out of thin air and snap his fingers.

My stories are above all my own fantasies, well most of them. I can’t possibly write about what appeals me most of the time, people would think I’m sick or maybe not. I sometimes worry too much about what people would think of me but that is another story for some other time. Now what I was referring to is that I was contacted a while ago by some online publishing web page or whateveryounaycallit and they are interested in one, or the only one present on the page right now. I have wanted for a while for someone to take notice and now that they have I feel like my baby is being taken away from me.

That and me having some plans with it. I wanted to send my manuscript to this publisher house but to do that I have to edit and also do this covet letter or some sort of letter telling them why my story should be taken by them.

I felt pressured reading all they asked me to have on that letter, all the requirements. I know I can do it, I’m sure I can. I just have to do it, which is the problem. I have the editors name that I have to direct the letter to, her name has been sitting on my desktop for weeks now. is a matter of decision and also, is like what if she doesn’t pick me? and then what if she does? is too much I need Jesus.

Now, if I do take the offer of the people that contacted me I must say goodbye to the publishing rights online, or so I read. I am in no condition on evaluating the example of their contract, is late and is better to tackle that with a cool head and sleep and rest.

I do know that this is a chance I’m getting, the first one but then what if this editor does pick me.

Idk what to do…

Resultado de imagen para red pill

Is this what Neo felt like when Morpheous made him choose?