Finally Accomplished something #2 : Le Health

A couple of weeks ago I had a health scare.

For around three – four days, I felt like I was going to pass away in the middle of the night. It may sound dramatic but my whole body felt like it was suspended in mid air. Weightless and lightheaded at the same time.

What scared me the most was that I hardly ever get sick. I drink vitamins, I do cleansing (this means when you drink stuff that makes you get rid of the bad stuff inside you ) and I do like to stop drinking carbonated drinks and sugar for short periods at a time. Is my way to give my body break. By no means that implies that I’m skinny but I do have capability of stopping myself from stuffing my face with no much junk food. I’m a walking contradiction. I am in perfect body health, my lab test says so! I’m just a few pounds over my ideal body weight. which is not skinny but healthy looking with toned abs and legs.

Someday I will get there, in the mean time I will drink green tea and pretend I’m a fit girl a few months at a time. I know I am lying to myself, I have no time. Work and school consume most of my free time and also I tend to ignored the fact that I could easily work out but I like to pretend that the extra time I do get a few days a weeks is for sleeping my ass off.

Back to my health scare. I also felt this tingling sensation on my lips and toes, my heart felt like it was slowing down and the only time I felt a tiny bit better was whenever I was horizontal on my bed. There was also this almost me barfing but not really.  headaches and feeling cold inside. I wouldn’t even let myself fall sleep because in my head I really thought I was going to die in my sleep. All this happened and not a single soul knew. I even went to get my pressure checked. According to WebMD I could have been having a heart attack or some sort of stroke and something related to it so I went and first of all there’s this new doctor at my job. I felt like didn’t believe what I said and since I’m used to work with people I had to play myself around her, just agreed and had her send me for lab tests, just to see if there was anything wrong.

My pressure test came out perfect. If I don’t smoke and stop eating disgusting food, like Cheetos then I will live to a 100 or if cancer gets me I may not get very far.  But you should never talk about cancer, so let’s scratch that work. Cancer.

I went and in like less than 30 minutes I had all my blood and pee in tubes and stuff and laid back in bed. Oh yeah, woke up that day around 6 AM. I hate waiting and most labs here, where I live, open very early. I think I was like one of the first few that got tested.

At the end it was nothing, well not nothing. There’s this virus around, that attacks people in different ways and my version was similar to some others.

I really thought I was going to dieeeee~!

 

no pictures this time.

bye!

*I'm sorry you had to experience how crazy my brain works. 
Advertisements

Finally accomplished something #1

And I have decided to try to at least write something every night, least a 100 words. 

This week has been full of ups and downs. Now that Sunday is here, cause is 12 AM. I have been working on my final project for the last two hours. You know trying to teak and change things until they are perfect. If you’re like me, anal and crazy and multitasker.

You have like ten hundred different documents open on and like ten lists of all the things that need to be done to your project.

pen calendar to do checklist
that looks nothing like my handwriting

Oh, and also you have a youtube video in the background on my other computer, which I talked about, it died and I can only used when is plugged in so is for entertainment. I usually have Vloggers, is like having someone in the same room with me, talking while I try to figure things out. 

I could use a podcast, but the thing is I never stick to one or they tend to get annoying after a while. And music, I tend to keep changing tracks and then I remember the music video and I start to look at videos and then is all downhill from there. My attention is no longer on the task I’m supposed to be working on. 

I have rambled so much that I forgot what I was trying to write about or at least what idea made me want to write. 

I get distracted so easy. 

……..

Wow.

Bye!

 

* Note: Here is what I have been watching for the last three hours. 

I’m not a hugger

I don’t know if I have talked about this here.

I may have but since I don’t keep track of what I write about here or anywhere else, to me is like an open conversation where I’m the only one talking. Okay, so a monologue. Sometimes a really short one and on some occasions I ramble out of control mashing up things. inexplicable things that make sense when you know me or if you are me.

The value of personal space to me is like a lot. I put it above everything else. Like you not are allowed to be inside the imaginary circle I’m able to draw around my body by extending my arms unless I say so. That’s as much as any stranger needs and people that I dislike, because hate is a strong word. Also, people I know fall outside that circle just because we aren’t cool like that and the last cool person in my life left me for a better job.

I have this issue with personal space ever since I can remember and if you, as person that has known me for a while might notice my quirks. there are several but on this particular post I’m only going to focus on the no touching rule. If I can.

adult boy break browsing

Is not that I hate the touch of another human being. I’m totally fine with some members of my family, some people that I’ve known from years and sometimes there this particular individual that I might just feel close to right away. Of course, there’s the state of humor I am. Being a volatile person and moody. An argument or simply feeling down may trigger that part in me that feels disgusted when touched. I am aware that in the environment I work in most of the time I’m going to have to touch or be touched, but that’s one of the things that has helped me. Is not always, I’m not feeling like I want to barf every single time one person grabs my arm or brushes against me. Is way more than that.

What happens, the way I react is something I cannot control and I’m very verbal about it. I tell people that I know are going to stay a while in my life what to expect of me and the many ways I can react. One of the reasons is that sometimes people are more sensitive than others and my reaction may make them feel some sort of way and even hurt them. People seem thrown of when I tell them about not liking to exchange hugs. I do hug but I don’t just give them away.

Like why should I? 

If there was a valid reason for me to be hugging people left and right I would consider it, in the mean time I decided who and when to hug.

To me touching is something personal. Intimate even. Words are what can pull two people together but when the right person touches you, your body, brain and soul react. Now imagine having the opposite reaction; disgust, gagging and feeling dirty.

I cringe when sometimes this particular girl at my job links arms with me, I try. I really try not to let I show and rapidly look for a way to get as much distance as possible. if I don’t I feel like I might die of something, no kidding but I feel as if I can’t breathe. imagine what was it like when I took the bus for college or being seated between two people on a plane. noise cancelling headphones, books and other various gadgets are used to pull me outside my body. The use of long sleeves has proven to have some positive effect. the feel of skin over skin makes uncomfortable. Obviously, that there is a parenthesis when a SO is involved.

We broke up

I suggested it.

You know when you break up any kind of relationship and a couple of days go by and you feel worse and worse. You have to fight yourself to not write or call or just go over that person house because deep inside you know it won’t do any good, to anyone.

I tried to fight the urge to write, I swear I did but the need to ask for a few words, the hope that it might not be the end, the not really or the what ifs played with my mind and the strong person I know crumbled into pieces and cried for days unsure what to do. Pretended that everything was alright while inside the world was falling apart, crying inside while painting another picture.

The thing is that I’m so unsure of people’s intentions these days that is hard to just trust someone, even more someone that I was starting to have deep feelings for and once I did, once I made the decision to let go and try this happened. It happened so fast that I didn’t take any time to think about how to react or say or what was really happening. I reacted like he did and maybe it was his fault or maybe it was my immature heart, but I suggested we broke it all off.

Why?

Because I was standing in limbo waiting for an answer. I didn’t know where we stood or what was I supposed to say or do. I mean, is really hard to have a long-distance relationship with someone that misunderstands every single word you type and when you try to explain yourself is just too much work and you rather give them the win. I see my mistakes now. But also, also I felt so tense and not myself for the time it lasted. I wasn’t me. I was restricting my outspoken self and my sarcastic humor and my love for things. I’m not saying it was all bad but once you stop being your true self is not a good sign and the funny thing that you notice that once you’re out of it.

Once you call it quits and you see how wrong it was all going and you realize that maybe, maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we need more time or maybe we won’t talk again.

He was always right.

He was the one who talked about the future out loud, I only had started to think about the future.

He called me baby.

I didn’t call him anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid.

It was one-sided, yes.

But not because I wanted it to be, I felt things for him. I felt so much I cried once it was over.

But also, I think he was selfish and immature. He wanted to be right until the very end. Long distance relationships, if you ever make the attempt to have one take so much time and patience and trust.

So much trust.

The love songs I listen to meant something, now they’re just words to me.

Yes, we’re done.

Must be nice not being me

The problem with the human brain is that you only know what’s going on in your own head. Studies have tried to tell us what is going on, the chemical balance in your heads and the pills that make us “feel better”. I’m not saying I’m bipolar or anything like that. Well, I might be. I haven’t been tested but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort of depression, or mental illness.

I don’t want to get tested, and then sometimes I do. More and more when those pretty thoughts cloud my head and I find myself wanting to cry because life fails me miserably or I just don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.

Maybe is hormones, being a woman is possible. Period peeks and then the pains and the uncomfortable feelings down there and then there’s the bloating. On top of having to bleed from your lady parts there’s the issue with bloating. Gaining up to 10 pounds just because your time of the month is approaching. Is cruelty at a it’s max!

The last time I cried, like bawled my eyes out I owe it to two things. A boy and my period. Maybe it was or my period and then the feeling of lost magnified it by ten and made me cry like I lost the love of my life when it was more like something I held onto because I’m a very lonely person. I feel neglected most of the time and when I find someone that shows a genuine interest in me I let the walls drop and that’s when they usually disappear, when I have feelings.

I have avoided having those from quite a while. Like years. Is pretty easy to numb yourself from them when you’ve had years of practice and now, now that I’m in the process of letting someone get to know me I am back to feeling slightly depressed, a little bit suicidal and maybe paranoid.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t need a hot line number or a doctors opinion.

I need to vent.

I need time to heal and to understand that if it happens again, that if he disappears I will be ok. That I will be better than ok. Because I am not ok, not right now.