It’s a Match, Now What?

I use Tinder and I’m not ashamed of it.

I have walls you see, high walls made up cement and barbed wire and I am aware that everyone does too but is not easy to just launch yourself on a dating app.  You have to be confident that whoever sees you will swipe right or least consider it for a second or two, thus the picture you use has to be somewhat a clear image and look sincere.

man and woman holding heart boards
some things are meant to never work, like my love life

There are a few things that would make me swipe right;

  • a smile
  • a dog
  • a handsome beared face

I do not think looks are everything but I do think that I have to feel atracted to what my eyes are looking at. Being fat or dark colored aren’t a deal breaker but having children might be. I’m no opposed of you having a life before meeting me but what can assure me that I won’t come second, because I won’t when it comes to children, or that I won’t feel jealousy o selfishness. I am human, I’m aware that human beings are terrible and sometimes we tend to think everything should be just the way we want them so that is a valid reason, for me, to me.

I almost. almost forgot all about that. I convinced myself to give a chance to a dude that sounded real over the phone. That appeared to have a decent job and a future. That might be a good man to me so I agreed. I a greed to meet, to go out.

His eagerness towards meeting was too much but even so I agreed.

Life has its way to change your mind about things, even asking for advice won’t make you feel a 100% sure about your decision, in my case to go out on a date. I was going to Uber, I kinda hate driving but since I was supposed to go to class before the meeting took place so that meant I’d have to Uber to school, from school to the place we were meeting and then back home. So three Ubers in one night. That’s a lot of unnecessary money being spent when I have a good functioning car capable of taking me to places. Plus valet parking so after a lot of consideration I decided the car was a better choice. So life or something else told me take my car.

He never offered to pick me up. I think I even asked him that and he replied he was going to Uber too. By that moment I was already in class going over the menu of the place and figuring out the route that would take me. Yes, I’m a planner. I tend to go over things before doing them.

About thirty minutes or less before class was done he texts me that he can’t make it because his daughter was suddenly brought to his place. Yes, the man that had been insisting for two weeks we should meet suddenly announced at 8 pm that he couldn’t make it and was sorry about it. Not only it had been planned days ahead but he almost begged that he needed to meet me.

 

I wasn’t pissed. It bothered me really, and then it went away. When you expect nothing is hard to feel anything at all.

He said he was sorry I said;

ok,

and then the next day it was like nothing from him until around 11 am and I didn’t feel the need to reply. Like for what?


There's something that sometimes bothers me about people who judge those who go by looks instead of, well not good looking. The whole service is to match people that have said "Oh, I find you interesting," is like windows shopping and if you like someone hot and he likes you back then how is not giving the opportunity to an ugly or not so good looking guy/man. 

I'm sorry to say it but sometimes the pretty ones have far more confidence on being straightforward to what they want or how much they like you or will try so I would rather know right away what im getting into.

 

Writing this gave me headache: Relationships and the curious world of the BDSM – lite

What’s so wrong with taking things slow.

abstract art artistic artwork
This has nothing to do with this post but I had no clue what sort of image would be relatable without making me look more perverted that I already am. Open to suggestions

Eagerness just sometimes may be taken as a sign of desperation. I’m flattered that somehow I may have gotten someone interested in me, which I find weird and a little scary. Most of the time I get someone that has a mild interest in me tends to disappear or give up or, is it me that does that? Either way is something that totally terrifies me and makes me act like a paranoid person. Which I am. But also I tend to feel like everything is going to end up wrong so I have, for many years, well months after my last fiasco,  i’m guarding myself from everything related to or close to an actual relationship with a man. And I say with a man because since no one really know who I am and my sexual preferences.

I must say that I lean towards the male side, making me straight w1ith some weird likes, but 99.9% straight. I wish I could name the things, kinks I lean towards to, that most people would find disgusting so keep my mouth shut and live in my little fantasies at night when no one’s looking or doing crazy things like befriending a male dominant, like a real Dom, just because I was curious but scared enough to make a me stand in between the two worlds, vanilla and spice.

I mainly blame it to two things, Fifty Shades of Grey, for opening the void and making me curious about the unknown and Tumblr, because a couple of years back they weren’t part of Yahoo and there was no control over what was being posted on it. Also my curiosity plays big part on this. You see, a non curious person would have just read the books and moved on with his/her life, if that sort of life didn’t woke up that itch that needed to be starched by a wrapped latex penis. hah, that’s something that I hadn’t thought about before. Weird.

But not me.

I did the research. Not that sort of investigative report Anastasia Steele did once Christian Grey suggested she started with the word Submissive. Way ahead of you girl! I did the full research for every unknown word and anything that sounded like it was something I wasn’t supposed to known and then I stared going onto Fetlife and discovered this local group near my city, took online tests and pools and such, and then followed these girls online and then more books appeared and by then I was hooked for like two years on BDSM themed like stories and then I tried to write a few and made a name of myself on Tumblr and then I discovered that I might be into spanking and then I saw a video and the result of a what a real spanking did your body and decided it wasn’t for me.

 

There’s so much weird online but also SO interesting.

 

There’s this crowd online that lives a double life, for us, the ones that, well for the ones that know nothing like Jon Snow. Like I would just look at some couples and wonder how kinky are they or if they like it rough or simply how vanilla are they.

After being just a lurker, I could categorize myself into one of the many many tags that they hav. I’d say I’m a voyeur. I could never take part of a scene, I’m too uptight and even thought I have many fantasies that I would love to live someday. I also believe that I’m not into sharing or any group sex activities that these individuals seem to enjoy. I guess is something you’d have to experience to really know if you would like or not. I’m not overruling it, is a possibility like everything in life but I just don’t see myself doing it.

Ok, I have gotten out of context. I have no clue how I wen’t from writing about my views on eager men towards the BDSM world.

I need to start structuring my posts or is it fun to just don’t know what to expect whenever I post something?

I’m getting sleepy.

I wish I had the courage to write about my own sexual experiences for once  but I am not that brave and here, even making Lady Grey my online persona I can’t shed the idea that there might be a way to figure out who am I. See, I’m paranoid af.

I may have left some things vaguely explained but yeah, that's all you get.

Finally Accomplished something #2 : Le Health

A couple of weeks ago I had a health scare.

For around three – four days, I felt like I was going to pass away in the middle of the night. It may sound dramatic but my whole body felt like it was suspended in mid air. Weightless and lightheaded at the same time.

What scared me the most was that I hardly ever get sick. I drink vitamins, I do cleansing (this means when you drink stuff that makes you get rid of the bad stuff inside you ) and I do like to stop drinking carbonated drinks and sugar for short periods at a time. Is my way to give my body break. By no means that implies that I’m skinny but I do have capability of stopping myself from stuffing my face with too much junk food. I’m a walking contradiction. I am in perfect body health, my recdent lab test says so! I’m just a “few” pounds over my ideal body weight. which is not skinny but healthy looking with untoned abs and legs.

Someday I will get there, in the mean time I will drink green tea and pretend I’m a fit girl a few months at a time. I know I am lying to myself, I have no time. Work and school consume most of my free time and also I tend to ignored the fact that I could easily work out but I like to pretend that the extra time I do get a few days a weeks is for sleeping my ass off.

Back to my health scare. I also felt this tingling sensation on my lips and toes, my heart felt like it was slowing down and the only time I felt a tiny bit better was whenever I was horizontal on my bed. There was also this almost me barfing but not really.  headaches and feeling cold inside. I wouldn’t even let myself fall sleep because in my head I really thought I was going to die in my sleep. All this happened and not a single soul knew. I even went to get my pressure checked. According to WebMD I could have been having a heart attack or some sort of stroke and something related to it so I went and first of all there’s this new doctor at my job. I felt like didn’t believe what I said and since I’m used to work with people I had to play myself around her, just agreed and had her send me for lab tests, just to see if there was anything wrong.

My pressure test came out perfect. If I don’t smoke and stop eating disgusting food, like Cheetos then I will live to a 100 or if cancer gets me I may not get very far.  But you should never talk about cancer, so let’s scratch that word. Cancer.

I went and in like less than 30 minutes I had all my blood and pee in tubes and stuff and laid back in bed. Oh yeah, woke up that day around 6 AM. I hate waiting and most labs here, where I live, open very early. I think I was like one of the first few that got tested.

At the end it was nothing, well not nothing. There’s this virus around, that attacks people in different ways and my version was similar to some others.

I really thought I was going to dieeeee~!

no pictures this time.

bye!

*I'm sorry you had to experience how crazy my brain works. 

Finally accomplished something #1

And I have decided to try to at least write something every night, least a 100 words. 

This week has been full of ups and downs. Now that Sunday is here, cause is 12 AM. I have been working on my final project for the last two hours. You know trying to teak and change things until they are perfect. If you’re like me, anal and crazy and multitasker.

You have like ten hundred different documents open on and like ten lists of all the things that need to be done to your project.

pen calendar to do checklist
that looks nothing like my handwriting

Oh, and also you have a youtube video in the background on my other computer, which I talked about, it died and I can only used when is plugged in so is for entertainment. I usually have Vloggers, is like having someone in the same room with me, talking while I try to figure things out. 

I could use a podcast, but the thing is I never stick to one or they tend to get annoying after a while. And music, I tend to keep changing tracks and then I remember the music video and I start to look at videos and then is all downhill from there. My attention is no longer on the task I’m supposed to be working on. 

I have rambled so much that I forgot what I was trying to write about or at least what idea made me want to write. 

I get distracted so easy. 

……..

Wow.

Bye!

 

* Note: Here is what I have been watching for the last three hours. 

I’m not a hugger

I don’t know if I have talked about this here.

I may have but since I don’t keep track of what I write about here or anywhere else, to me is like an open conversation where I’m the only one talking. Okay, so a monologue. Sometimes a really short one and on some occasions I ramble out of control mashing up things. inexplicable things that make sense when you know me or if you are me.

The value of personal space to me is like a lot. I put it above everything else. Like you not are allowed to be inside the imaginary circle I’m able to draw around my body by extending my arms unless I say so. That’s as much as any stranger needs and people that I dislike, because hate is a strong word. Also, people I know fall outside that circle just because we aren’t cool like that and the last cool person in my life left me for a better job.

I have this issue with personal space ever since I can remember and if you, as person that has known me for a while might notice my quirks. there are several but on this particular post I’m only going to focus on the no touching rule. If I can.

adult boy break browsing

Is not that I hate the touch of another human being. I’m totally fine with some members of my family, some people that I’ve known from years and sometimes there this particular individual that I might just feel close to right away. Of course, there’s the state of humor I am. Being a volatile person and moody. An argument or simply feeling down may trigger that part in me that feels disgusted when touched. I am aware that in the environment I work in most of the time I’m going to have to touch or be touched, but that’s one of the things that has helped me. Is not always, I’m not feeling like I want to barf every single time one person grabs my arm or brushes against me. Is way more than that.

What happens, the way I react is something I cannot control and I’m very verbal about it. I tell people that I know are going to stay a while in my life what to expect of me and the many ways I can react. One of the reasons is that sometimes people are more sensitive than others and my reaction may make them feel some sort of way and even hurt them. People seem thrown of when I tell them about not liking to exchange hugs. I do hug but I don’t just give them away.

Like why should I? 

If there was a valid reason for me to be hugging people left and right I would consider it, in the mean time I decided who and when to hug.

To me touching is something personal. Intimate even. Words are what can pull two people together but when the right person touches you, your body, brain and soul react. Now imagine having the opposite reaction; disgust, gagging and feeling dirty.

I cringe when sometimes this particular girl at my job links arms with me, I try. I really try not to let I show and rapidly look for a way to get as much distance as possible. if I don’t I feel like I might die of something, no kidding but I feel as if I can’t breathe. imagine what was it like when I took the bus for college or being seated between two people on a plane. noise cancelling headphones, books and other various gadgets are used to pull me outside my body. The use of long sleeves has proven to have some positive effect. the feel of skin over skin makes uncomfortable. Obviously, that there is a parenthesis when a SO is involved.

We broke up

I suggested it.

You know when you break up any kind of relationship and a couple of days go by and you feel worse and worse. You have to fight yourself to not write or call or just go over that person house because deep inside you know it won’t do any good, to anyone.

I tried to fight the urge to write, I swear I did but the need to ask for a few words, the hope that it might not be the end, the not really or the what ifs played with my mind and the strong person I know crumbled into pieces and cried for days unsure what to do. Pretended that everything was alright while inside the world was falling apart, crying inside while painting another picture.

The thing is that I’m so unsure of people’s intentions these days that is hard to just trust someone, even more someone that I was starting to have deep feelings for and once I did, once I made the decision to let go and try this happened. It happened so fast that I didn’t take any time to think about how to react or say or what was really happening. I reacted like he did and maybe it was his fault or maybe it was my immature heart, but I suggested we broke it all off.

Why?

Because I was standing in limbo waiting for an answer. I didn’t know where we stood or what was I supposed to say or do. I mean, is really hard to have a long-distance relationship with someone that misunderstands every single word you type and when you try to explain yourself is just too much work and you rather give them the win. I see my mistakes now. But also, also I felt so tense and not myself for the time it lasted. I wasn’t me. I was restricting my outspoken self and my sarcastic humor and my love for things. I’m not saying it was all bad but once you stop being your true self is not a good sign and the funny thing that you notice that once you’re out of it.

Once you call it quits and you see how wrong it was all going and you realize that maybe, maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we need more time or maybe we won’t talk again.

He was always right.

He was the one who talked about the future out loud, I only had started to think about the future.

He called me baby.

I didn’t call him anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid.

It was one-sided, yes.

But not because I wanted it to be, I felt things for him. I felt so much I cried once it was over.

But also, I think he was selfish and immature. He wanted to be right until the very end. Long distance relationships, if you ever make the attempt to have one take so much time and patience and trust.

So much trust.

The love songs I listen to meant something, now they’re just words to me.

Yes, we’re done.

Must be nice not being me

The problem with the human brain is that you only know what’s going on in your own head. Studies have tried to tell us what is going on, the chemical balance in your heads and the pills that make us “feel better”. I’m not saying I’m bipolar or anything like that. Well, I might be. I haven’t been tested but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort of depression, or mental illness.

I don’t want to get tested, and then sometimes I do. More and more when those pretty thoughts cloud my head and I find myself wanting to cry because life fails me miserably or I just don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.

Maybe is hormones, being a woman is possible. Period peeks and then the pains and the uncomfortable feelings down there and then there’s the bloating. On top of having to bleed from your lady parts there’s the issue with bloating. Gaining up to 10 pounds just because your time of the month is approaching. Is cruelty at a it’s max!

The last time I cried, like bawled my eyes out I owe it to two things. A boy and my period. Maybe it was or my period and then the feeling of lost magnified it by ten and made me cry like I lost the love of my life when it was more like something I held onto because I’m a very lonely person. I feel neglected most of the time and when I find someone that shows a genuine interest in me I let the walls drop and that’s when they usually disappear, when I have feelings.

I have avoided having those from quite a while. Like years. Is pretty easy to numb yourself from them when you’ve had years of practice and now, now that I’m in the process of letting someone get to know me I am back to feeling slightly depressed, a little bit suicidal and maybe paranoid.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t need a hot line number or a doctors opinion.

I need to vent.

I need time to heal and to understand that if it happens again, that if he disappears I will be ok. That I will be better than ok. Because I am not ok, not right now.