glucose is bad for me

I been meaning to write for few days now but I am unable since I have acrylics on my nails and I find it awkward and dificult. They are far more longer than I’m used to, even with the tip of my fingers is a slow process and it bothers me.

I could do nail clippers on them but then I’m not sure how it will affect them or if i’d do a good job. pretty sure that i’d mess them up. i already gave up on trying to have good grammar.

I just want to be able to type and vent without have my nails in the way, and they do look pretty. i love them. but i also love it when i’m able to type to my hearts content. i know that i complain a lot but i guess i made this post just to do that specifically. sure, i had anothe concept in mind but my mind wonders everywhere and i find it hard to just stick to just one single thing. if i could i would talk about anything, everything and anyone. like the boy i find myself saying secrectly that he’s my boyfriend but i told him we weren’t doing labels until we met. yep, is a long distance thin and is a long story.

the fact that we been talking for years and even knew how he looked like makes me want to back and ask myself why didn’t i notice him. he did, right away i think but never told me a thing. i guess i was intested in someone else and we were basically friendly back then and not actually friends. he initiated the wooing and the hints and i cave in to let it happen and see were it takes us. or me. becuase i have this defense mechanism that makes me pull away from guys when something bigs is happening or bound to happen.

see what I mean about sticking to one thing. I’m unable to.

the thing is we are finally meeting or trying to. for me traveling is easier and I decided to go to him, not staying at his place cause….of reasons i have and have clearly stated several times. this is just to meet and see if the attraction is real. later we will see. for now is just hopes and dreams. i think he likes me more and to me is just habit. he is my type sans the vin diesel voice.

I guess this could be my journal now, uh?

if it is then I should talk about my weight issues and my new gym and healthy living, i swear i am trying to but is not easy when you are used to eat whatever you want. two days ago i almost cave in and had a twinkie. and today it was fried chicken. my advantage to all this is that i don’t do candies just bake stuff and i’m lazy, so it means i won’t drive myself to any store that has cakes, it’s been weeks since i’ve been at the supermarket or any stores. i did cheat today with a slice of cake that was inside the fridge, at the moment when i was gulfing it down like it was the last piece of cake in the world i felt great but afterwards not so much. my cravings are afected by my mestrual cycle a lot and we are on those days when it’s coming so sweets is the main thing on my head.

I also want to mix it with salty stuff but that’s a habit, like balancing the sugar and the sodium inside me. which is bad for me, the sugar, my head tends to want to explode whenener my intake is higher than what i’m used to or allow myself. one lolipo is fine, two; letal. so i try to moderated that and soda or carboanted drinks which have so much sugar in them. i’m also weak and i’m not going to sit here and type the ideal person that goes into a losing weight regimen and say that i haven’t eaten any sweets. i do, there’s this bag of reeses inside the fridge that proves it, the cake i already wrote about, the ice cream cake that also we had in the fridge and the three or four glasses of lemon juice, but those were because i have the flu and i am trying to get rid of it before it makes me weak and stupid.

dates relevant to this post:

  • the last time inside a supermarket may 16
  • last slice of cake today; jun 13
  • when i decided to finally start losing weight; jun 1

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We broke up

I suggested it.

You know when you break up any kind of relationship and a couple of days go by and you feel worse and worse. You have to fight yourself to not write or call or just go over that person house because deep inside you know it won’t do any good, to anyone.

I tried to fight the urge to write, I swear I did but the need to ask for a few words, the hope that it might not be the end, the not really or the what ifs played with my mind and the strong person I know crumbled into pieces and cried for days unsure what to do. Pretended that everything was alright while inside the world was falling apart, crying inside while painting another picture.

The thing is that I’m so unsure of people’s intentions these days that is hard to just trust someone, even more someone that I was starting to have deep feelings for and once I did, once I made the decision to let go and try this happened. It happened so fast that I didn’t take any time to think about how to react or say or what was really happening. I reacted like he did and maybe it was his fault or maybe it was my immature heart, but I suggested we broke it all off.

Why?

Because I was standing in limbo waiting for an answer. I didn’t know where we stood or what was I supposed to say or do. I mean, is really hard to have a long-distance relationship with someone that misunderstands every single word you type and when you try to explain yourself is just too much work and you rather give them the win. I see my mistakes now. But also, also I felt so tense and not myself for the time it lasted. I wasn’t me. I was restricting my outspoken self and my sarcastic humor and my love for things. I’m not saying it was all bad but once you stop being your true self is not a good sign and the funny thing that you notice that once you’re out of it.

Once you call it quits and you see how wrong it was all going and you realize that maybe, maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we need more time or maybe we won’t talk again.

He was always right.

He was the one who talked about the future out loud, I only had started to think about the future.

He called me baby.

I didn’t call him anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid.

It was one-sided, yes.

But not because I wanted it to be, I felt things for him. I felt so much I cried once it was over.

But also, I think he was selfish and immature. He wanted to be right until the very end. Long distance relationships, if you ever make the attempt to have one take so much time and patience and trust.

So much trust.

The love songs I listen to meant something, now they’re just words to me.

Yes, we’re done.