I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person in the world who thinks they wasted their whole 2019.
Plans plans plans
Mines involve less social media, more social interaction, sex and a new apartment. I want to move and be on my own and I’m buying. I wish there was this magic place where I could just go and do all the paperwork and research and be done in an hour. But is not as easy. I mean it took me a awhile to decide I could work my ass hard enough and then be conscious that there will be bills to pay, groceries to buy, a plumber if I ever need one, a handyman for nails and fixtures, trips to ikea, being my own maid and cook.
I worry that I won’t get that loan or that I can’t handle being on my own. Or something bad happens. I know I can do it.
I going minimal because is clean and is also cheap. I’m trying to be less of a consumer and be more grateful of what I have and will have. Just the tags on the furnitures and appliances. I mean my 23 inch Panasonic will have to do for a while. And no phone line and no AC.
I think I always start that way but whatever. I have nothing to say, I mean nothing specific. Talking about myself is not as exciting and I really have nothing relevant to say but that I am working on myself.
I can account that I am going to the gym four days a week, and yes I know a person with my body weight should be going all five days but sometimes a person schedule doesn’t always allows them to do the thing they wish they could do. Which is my situation with work. I had wanted to feel this need to be at the gym and push myself and see results and feel strong. I haven’t seen like new muscles popping out of nowhere or like body definition but my face is slimmer, pants feel better and I don’t have a gut. Yes, you heard me I don’t have a gut. Not anymore.
I don’t have to suck in to put on pants and the ones, the new leggings I bought recently are starting to feel a little loose around the waist. Maybe is the elastic playing tricks on me, maybe the dryer loosened up the fibers and now is not as tight as before. I just don’t want to feel like I’m giving myself too much credit right now becuase I have done this before. I have paid a person to train me and be with me while I work out, I have looked through IG acconts and found these women that inspire me to continue because once upon of time they were like me, struggling to be healthy.
I’m eating better. I have been able to suppress the need of sweets and when I lay down in bed and start dreaming about food and friend stuff I can control myself, drink a bit of water and turn my focus on something else. Even my body agress that oily food is bad, too much sugar and I feel like I’m going to die.
I’m not theere yet but I will be
That’s the goal.
Be a little healther a little defined, a smaller chest size and more body confidence.
“Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Mind. Body. Spirit.”
The beginning of November marks the end, I hope, of something I have been doing wrong for the last month.
You see, I understand how disgusting the human body is. All we see on TV, movies and magazines is not what is actually is. I mean come on, let’s start with our morning breath, it doesn’t matter how well you brush your teeth or how rough you are or the use of floss and mouth wash it still awful the next morning, some worse than others. We all secret and discharge and are disgustingly beautiful on the inside.
We are basically full of shit 24/7 and as much as pretty girls would like to make it seem differently they often take a dump just like you do. They even look when they wipe. I know, I know is a little disgusting and you may have probably stopped reading by now but we have to accept that we are all dis-fuckig-gusting.
I could name different things our bodies do and you could google them and we would never ever be friends after that, you’d hate me. Hell you’d sue me because you’d be scarred for life.
Now back to my issue.
Let me explain you a little bit about my ritual, or some part of it. Once I get home from work I shower with warm soapy water and then I proceed to use body cream, sometimes scented sometimes I skip it, it all the depends on my mood. I also have the tendency of skipping deodorant at home. I don’t need it and I hardly ever sweat and that’s where I want I focus. Skipping has been becoming a habit and since I use layers and layers of clothing both work and daily life. I like jackets and cardigans because for some reason I am always cold. Now picture me working for 8 to 9 straight hours and then picture me skipping the damn deodorant.
I don’t know why my body at times like these betrays me. In a temperature controlled environment where I hardly do any heavy lifting, maybe stress could trigger some sweating but not the amount necessary to feel like I have a cascade running down my armpits. Which is what I normally feel or have been feeling every single time my stupid brain decides to tell I have sprayed it all over my silly smelly old ass pits when I haven’t.
I get so enraged every single time this happens. I’m like “seriously bitch, again?” like life teaches you to learn of your mistakes and this one keeps repeating nonstop and every single time I have to sit stupidly straight, being careful not to move my arms away from the sides of my body, use only elbow to wrist movements and pray to Jesus that the air doesn’t drag my natural human odor to the person next to me.
I just wish that at least something in our lives was perfect.
Body odor sucks
There wasn't a single picture that was relatable enough to add to this entry. I was thinking about buying an iPad and draw my own images. I wish I could add a donate button, if you're interested in giving me your money let me know.
Someone asked me what I blog about and I haven’t replied.
I wanted to come up with some sort of witty line that might make me sound interesting. Is not that I’m not but I’m not as self-centered or gullible enough to believe that I’m relevant in the blogging world when I’m able to see the daily statistics, and you can’t have big numbers when you update things that people don’t like or aren’t relevant to them. Like my last post, already deleted. It didn’t catch any attention, so is a draft for now or forever.
The answer is me. I write about what bothers me, what annoys me, what keeps me up at night. I’m sure that most newbies do that or not. I’m not sure. I haven’t been an avid blog follower, I don’t stick up on to an only thing. If is not a book I don’t think I will keep focus because I get distracted easily, even more when is something that is above 500 words.
Like I could write about the fact that I came to an empty classroom to write a post about, well me, and a lady came in and said hello. I said hello back, even thought I didn’t want her to come in I can’t tell her to get out. she has as much right as I me to be here but then after she came in another one entered and they started chatting. Loudly. Now, there are four of them and they keep complaining about the fact that their teacher is being an asshole, one of them is threatening to drop out if the she can’t meet up his demands and now the clicking of a mouse is driving me insane. Even with headphones on and Demi Lovato crying about love I’m able to listen to them.
I have never understood why people, random people that I don’t know are able to get me to this level. By level I mean wanting to take out their eyeballs with a plastic spoon.
Maybe is the fact that most won’t care that their voice tone is too loud, that their comments are rude and that the sound of their voice is not a pleasant one. The millions of possibilities a person can annoy me, annoys me. Wow, that one made me smile.
I guess I’m just moody today. I wasn’t this morning. Maybe being take out of my perfect cocoon made the chemical leves in my brain jump from one lobe to the other and here we are, me venting out to strangers about strangers giving me hives. Not even the song Boston by Agustana is able to help soothe this disgusted-annoyed feeling.
I’m pretty sure I can talk about it since is an issue that they wouldn’t even imagine that is me.
You may be a little bit confused now but when I explain it a little bit then maybe you can understand, while Jack Johnson sings about Pancakes I will tell you about it.
Besides this sporadic type of blog on my free time and I am having my spurs of creativity I pour my soul into word documents. I write about pretty girls and handsome guys that have some sort issues, first world problems that can be solved without Thanos having to appear out of thin air and snap his fingers.
My stories are above all my own fantasies, well most of them. I can’t possibly write about what appeals me most of the time, people would think I’m sick or maybe not. I sometimes worry too much about what people would think of me but that is another story for some other time. Now what I was referring to is that I was contacted a while ago by some online publishing web page or whateveryounaycallit and they are interested in one, or the only one present on the page right now. I have wanted for a while for someone to take notice and now that they have I feel like my baby is being taken away from me.
That and me having some plans with it. I wanted to send my manuscript to this publisher house but to do that I have to edit and also do this covet letter or some sort of letter telling them why my story should be taken by them.
I felt pressured reading all they asked me to have on that letter, all the requirements. I know I can do it, I’m sure I can. I just have to do it, which is the problem. I have the editors name that I have to direct the letter to, her name has been sitting on my desktop for weeks now. is a matter of decision and also, is like what if she doesn’t pick me? and then what if she does? is too much I need Jesus.
Now, if I do take the offer of the people that contacted me I must say goodbye to the publishing rights online, or so I read. I am in no condition on evaluating the example of their contract, is late and is better to tackle that with a cool head and sleep and rest.
I do know that this is a chance I’m getting, the first one but then what if this editor does pick me.
Idk what to do…
Is this what Neo felt like when Morpheous made him choose?
I have walls you see, high walls made up cement and barbed wire and I am aware that everyone does too but is not easy to just launch yourself on a dating app. You have to be confident that whoever sees you will swipe right or least consider it for a second or two, thus the picture you use has to be somewhat a clear image and look sincere.
There are a few things that would make me swipe right;
a handsome beared face
I do not think looks are everything but I do think that I have to feel atracted to what my eyes are looking at. Being fat or dark colored aren’t a deal breaker but having children might be. I’m no opposed of you having a life before meeting me but what can assure me that I won’t come second, because I won’t when it comes to children, or that I won’t feel jealousy o selfishness. I am human, I’m aware that human beings are terrible and sometimes we tend to think everything should be just the way we want them so that is a valid reason, for me, to me.
I almost. almost forgot all about that. I convinced myself to give a chance to a dude that sounded real over the phone. That appeared to have a decent job and a future. That might be a good man to me so I agreed. I a greed to meet, to go out.
His eagerness towards meeting was too much but even so I agreed.
Life has its way to change your mind about things, even asking for advice won’t make you feel a 100% sure about your decision, in my case to go out on a date. I was going to Uber, I kinda hate driving but since I was supposed to go to class before the meeting took place so that meant I’d have to Uber to school, from school to the place we were meeting and then back home. So three Ubers in one night. That’s a lot of unnecessary money being spent when I have a good functioning car capable of taking me to places. Plus valet parking so after a lot of consideration I decided the car was a better choice. So life or something else told me take my car.
He never offered to pick me up. I think I even asked him that and he replied he was going to Uber too. By that moment I was already in class going over the menu of the place and figuring out the route that would take me. Yes, I’m a planner. I tend to go over things before doing them.
About thirty minutes or less before class was done he texts me that he can’t make it because his daughter was suddenly brought to his place. Yes, the man that had been insisting for two weeks we should meet suddenly announced at 8 pm that he couldn’t make it and was sorry about it. Not only it had been planned days ahead but he almost begged that he needed to meet me.
I wasn’t pissed. It bothered me really, and then it went away. When you expect nothing is hard to feel anything at all.
He said he was sorry I said;
and then the next day it was like nothing from him until around 11 am and I didn’t feel the need to reply. Like for what?
There's something that sometimes bothers me about people who judge those who go by looks instead of, well not good looking. The whole service is to match people that have said "Oh, I find you interesting," is like windows shopping and if you like someone hot and he likes you back then how is not giving the opportunity to an ugly or not so good looking guy/man.
I'm sorry to say it but sometimes the pretty ones have far more confidence on being straightforward to what they want or how much they like you or will try so I would rather know right away what im getting into.
And I have decided to try to at least write something every night, least a 100 words.
This week has been full of ups and downs. Now that Sunday is here, cause is 12 AM. I have been working on my final project for the last two hours. You know trying to teak and change things until they are perfect. If you’re like me, anal and crazy and multitasker.
You have like ten hundred different documents open on and like ten lists of all the things that need to be done to your project.
Oh, and also you have a youtube video in the background on my other computer, which I talked about, it died and I can only used when is plugged in so is for entertainment. I usually have Vloggers, is like having someone in the same room with me, talking while I try to figure things out.
I could use a podcast, but the thing is I never stick to one or they tend to get annoying after a while. And music, I tend to keep changing tracks and then I remember the music video and I start to look at videos and then is all downhill from there. My attention is no longer on the task I’m supposed to be working on.
I have rambled so much that I forgot what I was trying to write about or at least what idea made me want to write.
I get distracted so easy.
* Note: Here is what I have been watching for the last three hours.