Writing this gave me headache: Relationships and the curious world of the BDSM – lite

What’s so wrong with taking things slow.

abstract art artistic artwork
This has nothing to do with this post but I had no clue what sort of image would be relatable without making me look more perverted that I already am. Open to suggestions

Eagerness just sometimes may be taken as a sign of desperation. I’m flattered that somehow I may have gotten someone interested in me, which I find weird and a little scary. Most of the time I get someone that has a mild interest in me tends to disappear or give up or, is it me that does that? Either way is something that totally terrifies me and makes me act like a paranoid person. Which I am. But also I tend to feel like everything is going to end up wrong so I have, for many years, well months after my last fiasco,  i’m guarding myself from everything related to or close to an actual relationship with a man. And I say with a man because since no one really know who I am and my sexual preferences.

I must say that I lean towards the male side, making me straight w1ith some weird likes, but 99.9% straight. I wish I could name the things, kinks I lean towards to, that most people would find disgusting so keep my mouth shut and live in my little fantasies at night when no one’s looking or doing crazy things like befriending a male dominant, like a real Dom, just because I was curious but scared enough to make a me stand in between the two worlds, vanilla and spice.

I mainly blame it to two things, Fifty Shades of Grey, for opening the void and making me curious about the unknown and Tumblr, because a couple of years back they weren’t part of Yahoo and there was no control over what was being posted on it. Also my curiosity plays big part on this. You see, a non curious person would have just read the books and moved on with his/her life, if that sort of life didn’t woke up that itch that needed to be starched by a wrapped latex penis. hah, that’s something that I hadn’t thought about before. Weird.

But not me.

I did the research. Not that sort of investigative report Anastasia Steele did once Christian Grey suggested she started with the word Submissive. Way ahead of you girl! I did the full research for every unknown word and anything that sounded like it was something I wasn’t supposed to known and then I stared going onto Fetlife and discovered this local group near my city, took online tests and pools and such, and then followed these girls online and then more books appeared and by then I was hooked for like two years on BDSM themed like stories and then I tried to write a few and made a name of myself on Tumblr and then I discovered that I might be into spanking and then I saw a video and the result of a what a real spanking did your body and decided it wasn’t for me.

 

There’s so much weird online but also SO interesting.

 

There’s this crowd online that lives a double life, for us, the ones that, well for the ones that know nothing like Jon Snow. Like I would just look at some couples and wonder how kinky are they or if they like it rough or simply how vanilla are they.

After being just a lurker, I could categorize myself into one of the many many tags that they hav. I’d say I’m a voyeur. I could never take part of a scene, I’m too uptight and even thought I have many fantasies that I would love to live someday. I also believe that I’m not into sharing or any group sex activities that these individuals seem to enjoy. I guess is something you’d have to experience to really know if you would like or not. I’m not overruling it, is a possibility like everything in life but I just don’t see myself doing it.

Ok, I have gotten out of context. I have no clue how I wen’t from writing about my views on eager men towards the BDSM world.

I need to start structuring my posts or is it fun to just don’t know what to expect whenever I post something?

I’m getting sleepy.

I wish I had the courage to write about my own sexual experiences for once  but I am not that brave and here, even making Lady Grey my online persona I can’t shed the idea that there might be a way to figure out who am I. See, I’m paranoid af.

I may have left some things vaguely explained but yeah, that's all you get.
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