Is not Avoidant Behavior Disorder

Hey, It’s been a while.

I just didn’t have anything exciting or depressing enough to report. I live a very mild life, no great achievements or nothing relevant happens to me. I am not important.

I lay every night in bed alone, wishing that is going to be different the next day. That even when I know I might end up alone there’s a low chance that it could change, that someone random can see what others haven’t, what I haven’t been able to show.

I’m awkward by default, I tend to make things awkward all the time. Is like I’m wired that way, is the result of the many fails in life. The wall is strong, so strong that even knowing the possible outcome to something I might do or say I still do the worse instead of showing vulnerable, instead of telling them in. Yes, this is another post about failure and there were factors that didn’t help my insecure personality. I’m not going to write about those, is something that appears to not have a solution. My frail mind obviously thinks is fine to explain what I really meant instead of what I said but then I also go over the possibilities; he might not care at all, or he has moved on, or I was just a distraction, or he is waiting for me to say something.

I have reached.

I have contemplated.

I have gone and read a few post on the Forever Alone subreddit.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about but since I woke up yesterday, once I realized around 9:17 pm that he wasn’t going to reply, even when he was online, I told myself I didn’t have to delete the app or make myself invisible. I didn’t have to cry because I have done that before and it has just been barely 16 days.

I got attached too quick. Not to him, it’s the idea, to the chance I might have had.

Maybe my brain has a kill switch, whenever I feel like there’s something good out there for me, that something nice is about to happen my brain cells activate the stupid part, the part that is incapable of tuning in with another human being. The social part.

I feel sad for future old alone me.

She’s going to be a sad cranky lady and it breaks my heart.


I’m having a really hard time these past couple of days and it has to be with the constant weather change.

I’m really sensitive when it comes to climate change but I hasn’t happened before while im in my own country. I travel, I used to travel more but I made the decision to go back to school and pursue a masters degree, a basic one actually. I enjoy it but I’m short on cash and time, I mean there’s no price on education really but as the end comes near I being to get more and more desperate to just be done with it.

School is no my number one priority right now and even thought I tend to procrastinate a lot of things, like assignments, I always end up getting good grades. I must say if I paid this much effort before I could have been way better, I lacked motivation and I really didn’t liked what I was studying. But that’s another story for another time.

IT all started with my allergies. I skin is my main concern, since a while back I haven’t had a clear skin in years and no matter how much I spend on skin care products or routines. It gets better to get worse, is a vicious cicle and I wish my body would stop with the hormones and stuff. I even go to a place to get facials, and I know that if I go constantly it would help me more but the issue with it is that I have less time now and also it doesn’t help my savings account or monthly expenses on silly things like books and food, and whatever I convince myself is a good thing to get on amazon. But is mostly food these days .

So my allergies aren’t something you could see, I mainly start to feel itchy on my arms and upper body. Then it spreads like fire, my eyes water, my throats threatens to swell but I think that part is inside my head and then there’s the ears. Itchy ears. Just writing about that makes me want to dip a cotton swab in lukewarm water and gently roll it around my index and thumb while I scratch the back of my throats, if there is such thing, until I feel satisfied. Which tends to take a lot.

The next and final, that I know of, is the nose stuffing. And that’s kind of new.

You see whenever I’m somewhere with low temperature, like under the 45 F my nose bleeds but since is so cold everything is stuck in there until I use warm water to liquify everything. I mean it feels like ice chards and no matter how much I pick and blow it won’t come off until I apply warm water and patience. I use to make fun of people whose nose would bleed by calling them weak without knowing that some day that might be me. At least is because of reasons named above and not cause I flicked it and it casually opened some tiny vain.  There was this girl in my class, whom I recent to this day, that would have bleeds and I’d just stare from my desk in disgust. she would thought her head back while everything stood around worried. Back then I gave no fucks, I still don’t but by that time I was socializing to a degree. I kept books that some how I found inside this box at home, weren’t age appropriate for me because of all of the sex happening there but even with that I was one of the few who got out of high school with her V card still attached, or  more vulgar, with my himen intact.

Wow, I going way out of topic here.

And this is where I decided sleep was far better than me continuing this post, you see I value sleep greatly. Is the next day and any ideas related to whatever was my point here have already dissipated. 

I’m done.

I'm unable to name this blog post, so I'll do just like that song by Simple Plan Untittled and be done with it. Good night.

Must be nice not being me

The problem with the human brain is that you only know what’s going on in your own head. Studies have tried to tell us what is going on, the chemical balance in your heads and the pills that make us “feel better”. I’m not saying I’m bipolar or anything like that. Well, I might be. I haven’t been tested but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort of depression, or mental illness.

I don’t want to get tested, and then sometimes I do. More and more when those pretty thoughts cloud my head and I find myself wanting to cry because life fails me miserably or I just don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.

Maybe is hormones, being a woman is possible. Period peeks and then the pains and the uncomfortable feelings down there and then there’s the bloating. On top of having to bleed from your lady parts there’s the issue with bloating. Gaining up to 10 pounds just because your time of the month is approaching. Is cruelty at a it’s max!

The last time I cried, like bawled my eyes out I owe it to two things. A boy and my period. Maybe it was or my period and then the feeling of lost magnified it by ten and made me cry like I lost the love of my life when it was more like something I held onto because I’m a very lonely person. I feel neglected most of the time and when I find someone that shows a genuine interest in me I let the walls drop and that’s when they usually disappear, when I have feelings.

I have avoided having those from quite a while. Like years. Is pretty easy to numb yourself from them when you’ve had years of practice and now, now that I’m in the process of letting someone get to know me I am back to feeling slightly depressed, a little bit suicidal and maybe paranoid.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t need a hot line number or a doctors opinion.

I need to vent.

I need time to heal and to understand that if it happens again, that if he disappears I will be ok. That I will be better than ok. Because I am not ok, not right now.